Christopher And Tia

27/366

2012-01-27T21:16:00.003-06:00

Packing, unpacking, packing, re packing, packing. Stuff. Stuff that we need, stuff that we don't need, stuff that we want, stuff that we want but can't keep. Letting go of stuff. Simplifying. And then packing up whats left. And then pondering more stuff.

While half of our belongings were spread out across the TLF parking lot (not being purchased by a Senior Master Sergeant who apparently didn't want our junky lawn mower, no matter how hard I tried to pawn it off on him), we took advantage of the beautiful sunny day that God gave us, and we took a much needed vacation to the park located in back of our hotel. The kids spent hours there today. Evelyn hung out on my back mostly (partially because shes still sick, but mostly because I didn't want to chase her around the pebbles), but the two older kids we trusted enough to leave alone from across the driveway where we could still see them from afar.

Even without our "stuff", we can still be comfortable and have fun. The kids are learning this. Slowly. Each day a little more. We made the most of today. We laughed and we played. We lived and we loved. We were.

26/366

2012-01-26T21:05:00.002-06:00

I'd let them toilet paper the whole dang place, at this point, if I thought it would keep them occupied and happy.

25/366

2012-01-25T20:12:00.002-06:00

Once a Dyess Jet, always a Dyess Jet.

...ok I totally just made that up and I'm not sure what I even really wanted it to mean, but-

Today was Eleanore's last day at her school. I still remember (and very clearly, might I add) what it was like on my last day of first grade in Vancouver, before making the move to Woodland. It was a big deal. In my mind, everyone was jumping up and down cheering for me, throwing confetti into the air while they sang "for shes a jolly good fellow" (which they actually did sing). There were giant teddy bears walking around (which isn't nearly as creepy as it sounds) carrying trays loaded with fancy decorated cupcakes sprinkled with bits of oreos and butterfinger bars. There was a record player somewhere in the room, playing old old silent movie music, and we were all skipping and dancing happily, just a little bit quicker, and with maybe a bit of sepia overlay.

Okay so maybe thats not how it actually happened, but- thats how I remember it.

And Eleanore, who has a BIG imagination, especially when it comes to the world and how it revolves around her, I'm sure had a very similar afternoon to the one that I had back in 1991.

The reality was- I sent her with 2 packages of gluten free cookies to pass out with her teacher at snack time, and that was the extent of the partying, but- they were extra special cookies, because of all of the friends that she got to enjoy them with.

We picked her up from school half an hour early, to add a bit of drama to the conclusion.

I kind of wish I would have taken my camera to her school, but it was cold and rainy and I was huddled in front of the car heater sucking on little tiny corn fruit candies from a tin that I found in the center console.

But the first thing we did when we got "home", was pop a bag of popcorn in the bean splattered microwave, and watch the kids devour it, as I rejoiced in the fact that I could actually smell it (the first thing I've smelt in dayyys).

Gosh, kids love popcorn.
Do you remember loving popcorn that much?
I do.
I still do.
Who doesn't?

I made some for the kids the other day when Elie had a friend over, and I snuck a piece. And wouldn't you know, that one piece got stuck in my throat and I choked on it for half an hour, because no matter how much water I drank, it just wouldn't go down. But even though my brush encounter with it nearly killed me- I still love it!

Popcorn = love.

We looked it up online, and Eleanore's new school also has the mascot of a Jet. That = love, too.

24/366

2012-01-24T19:21:00.003-06:00

I have to remind myself that this project is about capturing the everyday moments, not the everyday. Its natural for me to want to document my babies every waking moment- their entire lives from the moment they wake to the moment they close their eyes- but, when I look at the big picture, I need a nudge in the direction of remembering the little things that might slip through the cracks in my memory, rather than trying to remember the entire day, every day.

Still recovering from his ear infection (and a rather hard tantrum that took place upon saying goodbye to our old house this morning), Charlie came to me before lunch, lovey looped under his arm, and asked me to read him a story. But what that really meant, was that he wanted to take a nap. The word "nap" is too voilent to speak, so we talk in code. "Lay down", "rest", "quiet time", but... the one that seems to work best for him is "read me a story".

So I read him a story, just like he asked. Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site. And upon leaving his room, I covered him up with his blankets, turned the heat up, and closed the door behind me.

A happy little girl (as happy as she can be with an upper respitory infection, I suppose), on her way home from a very important rescue mission. I crouched in the shadows, leaning up against the cold brick, just so that I could see that brilliant lit up little baby face as it rounded the corner.

So who were we saving??

Well stinky, of course!!

At one point we had bought an extra one of these- brown and grey spotted plush giraffe by Carters (the original being a gift from Grauntie Laurie, the double being found on ebay)- but somehow we lost it.

And then today, we lost the real deal.

This happens daily. Every single day, at least once, Evelyn cries and cries and we can't figure out why- when suddenly we realize that shes not holding her stinky. So we trace our steps, and we look under beds, and- today he was at the commissary. I bet they found him somewhere around the naked juice and spinach.

Gotta love the stink :)

23/366

2012-01-23T20:42:00.002-06:00

Evelyn is having a hard time with all of this. The hardest part of all- her biggest disadvantage: ...she can't talk yet, sooo- she can't find the words to tell me how shes feeling, or what she needs.

Sleeping in a pack 'n play in a dark room- shes still got her music player, but nothing else is the same. Sitting in a wooden resturaunt style booster seat- not she ever eats anything other than green crunchies anyways. Daddy doesn't come home at his regularly scheduled eating times. No Kitty Bomber to snuggle up to. ...where is our house? ...where are my things? ...how come this bathroom and bath tub is so dark inside? I don't like it.

Poor baby. And all of this while being sick. Because when Mama get sick- baby gets sick. Not only did she have the fever and runny nose combo, but now shes got a chesty cough to show for it. And if Mama's got tummy troubles, then wpuldn't you know- baby does too.

But on the semi bright side of things- there is a whole kitchen full of drawers and cabinets to open. And none of them are childproofed :)

22/366

2012-01-22T20:18:00.002-06:00

Eleanore wanted a friend to come over to our hotel room to watch An American Tail with her- complete with organic (butter free, but salted?) microwave popcorn. I'm not sure how much of the movie they actually watched- Charlie fell asleep somewhere around the duo, and the girls were busy playing Mama kitty/baby kitty- but it was nice having the room filled with such a lightness as the kids giggled circled around me while I prepared dinner. It was a welcome change of pace from the constant moving.

21/366

2012-01-21T19:59:00.002-06:00

My motherly instinct, when I hear something crash down onto the floor above me, is "Oh no, did the bookshelf in Charlie's room fall over?", as I picture my son crushed under an avalanche of very worn hardbacks, or- "Did the baby abandon ship from her crib?", imagining her pulling a light hearted and well intentioned Kate Winslet, without a faithful Leo to coax her away from the edge. But this time, its not my kids.

Because this isn't our house.

There is a different family upstairs. Who knows where they're from or where they're going- all I know is, their kids are staying up way later than ours, and they like to jump. I don't mind the sound, I'm used to it. I just can't help but think its a fallen lava lamp every time I hear a thud, or Evelyn got locked in the bathroom again, every time theres a scream.

Its strange, cooking dinner on a stove other than our own. Or washing dishes in a sink where the garbage disposal is clearly on the wrong side. There are carpets on the floor instead of laminate, heater units randomly placed on walls instead of the ceiling, and the beds are so high we have to give the kids a chair ladder in order to pull themselves up. Wearing them out at the zoo and then the Natural Food Center really wore them out though- they were able to fall asleep a lot easier than anticipated. Charlie did mention once at dinner time "I want to go home", which was hard. "This is our home for right now", we told him. "For the next week or so, until we move into a new home, and then another".

"I want our old one", was his reply. [insert heart breaking, while simultaneously getting stronger, here]

A huge thank you to Chris and Steve for giving us your man power to get the Uhaul loaded (even though I'm 100% positive that neither of you will ever read this blog, ever). Without you we'd probably still be struggling to get the washer and dryer out the door.

Seeing all of our things piled up inside of that giant truck makes me cringe- unloading it into a place half the size from whence it came is going to be a nightmare. We'll need a storage unit for sure. And even then- why do we need so many processions? This is something that plagues me daily. Maybe I can get Christopher on board with me for a giant stuff-dump, when we get to where we're going.

Until then, we'll live simply, using the bare minimum provided for us in our TLF, and enjoy our last few days here at Dyess.

20/366

2012-01-20T21:47:00.003-06:00

On the last night that we'll ever spend in the only house we've ever known as a family of 5, I'm surrounded by big black plastic garbage bags, wardrobe boxes bursting with childrens clothes, and dirty kleenex.

Christopher is walking around on the couch around me, reaching up to the walls and filling in the holes that we've imprinted with thumb tacks over the years.

The house is empty.

We've set aside and pilled up on the ottoman the very few things that we'll take to the TLF with us (temporary living facility- basically a very small apartment for while you're in transit), we pick up the uhaul truck in the morning, we spend the following day cleaning, our inspection is the day after that, Christopher's final out is the day after that, and- if all of that goes well- we say goodbye to Dyess.

You know what sucks? Being sick.
I hate allergies.

Every time the winds pick up, my sinuses go on strike, my limbs take on hot and cold flashes, and my voice deepens an entire octive. I feel, terrible.

So I took a picture of it?

Never in a million years did I think that I'd ever want to take a picture of myself feeling the way that I do today (which is basically like a sugar coated kind of death), but- I did?

I did a photo shoot for a friend and her girls this morning, and when she asked me if she could get me anything (such a nice host), I replied with ..."tissue?". And she did! And then I used all of it. And how fun is that? To interupt a cutesy session of toddlers beating thier mother in the head with soccer balls and sipping on back yard beer bottles, to blow your nose every 5 seconds? Nice.

But so this is me, in all of my exhausted glory. The red rings around my nostrils only get worse with each sneeze. I'm freezing, no matter what I do (I have a cold intolerance anyways, so this is extra awesome). Oh- and I guess you can see my 4 month old dreads, kind of, if you can squint past all of the frizz.

Evelyn is a climber. And Eleanore is a copycat. This made for a special sister/sister moment on the step stool in front of the back window where the play area used to be. You can see the mat pads stacked up there on top of the empty train table, and topped with a GI Joe jeep. Evelyn's grouchy girl play pen to the left.

...is this really our last night in this house?

And then I was going to post a picture that I had taken of all 3 of the babies taking a bath together tonight, but- even though I blurred my focus just so, Christopher gave it the thumb down for internet approval. I can respect that. ...and then he followed it up with a funny "and I don't think I can give Eleanore baths anymore" comment, which he was completely serious about, referring to her "I'M TOUCHING MY VAGINA!!" announcement/tutorial/giggle fest that took place during our 5 year olds nightly overdose of inappropriate things that make Daddy uncomfortable.

Alright. I have to get up early to pour bowls of cereal and make the almond milk to top them off with-

19/366- Last Day As A Dyess Daisy

2012-01-19T20:16:00.002-06:00

This evening was Eleanore's last Girl Scout meeting at the Dyess library. And it was amazing. The girls (and troop leaders) really went out of their way to show Elie how much she is loved- its not something she'll probably ever forget.

We're so sad to leave such a fun group of girls- but can't help but smile at the memories that we've all created together.

18/366

2012-01-18T20:24:00.002-06:00

Charlie's second bilateral myringotomy and adenoidectomy was a FAIL. Not even a month post surgery, and hes developed an agonizing ear infection.

He woke up with rosy red cheeks and an oven hot baby body, zero appetite- even for his favorite peanut butter oats, and heaps of lethargicness. He tossed and turned on the couch all morning, moaning and whimpering inbetween pauses in movies and Mommy's annoying "how do you feel now sweetheart??" questions.

Right around lunch time, his fever was on the up and ups, and he started showing signs of labored breathing- so Daddy whisked him away to the urgent care, where he fell asleep in his lap- the same way he did in mine yesterday.

There was no drainage from his tubes? He never once said his ears hurt? Maybe a trip to the ENT is in order. As well as lots of Land Before Time.

17/366

2012-01-17T19:15:00.002-06:00

We had a hard time last night. I slept on the couch again, so that I wouldn't give in to nursing Evelyn back to sleep when she woke up crying at 1am. And 2am. And 3am. And 4 am. Christopher was a trooper, rocking her back and forth on his shoulder for hours. I did it though- I stood my ground. Or... slept my couch, is more like it. But even though I wasn't up there in the cold bedroom with them, my eyes still popped open every time she shouted. And just the slightest movement- tossing, turning, itching my chin- hurt my bruised breasts so much I thought I might explode.

Christopher and I were fighting sometime in the late morning- lack of sleep, shaken emotions, stress from the move, strain from medical testings- over the stupidest thing, and just when I had buried my face in my hands and let out a nice loud "aaaarrrggghhh!", I paused, lifted my head from my tear stained fingers, and looked around the room for my son.

Its so easy to get caught up in the moment, and to forget about how it might be effecting the babies. I hate it when I do this. And lately, I do this a lot. I remember seeing my parents fight when I was a kid, and it was the very worst thing ever. Even worse than when Barbie's head popped off. Even worse than fire drill day on the school bus. Because as a kid- you can't escape it.

So I instantly shut if off, cleared my throat, changed my tone of voice, and asked "Charlie what are you doing?". He was laying on the floor between the ottoman and the couch, pillows and blankets piled on top of him, binky in his mouth. He was scared. And seeing this, and realizing that I we had made him feel that way, just slapped me straight in the face.

He mumbled something about cars and driving, I didn't understand any of it from the other side of his worn out pacifier, and then popped his head up so that I could clearly see his adorable puppy dog eyes.

"Come snuggle with me?" I asked.
"Okay" he simply replied.

And then he climbed up onto the couch, struggling to pull himself over the cushions with his ragged lovey in one hand and a fleece dinosaur blanket in another, he layed his head down in the folds of my legs, and in a whisper he said, "I'm loving on you".

I lightly drummed my fingertips from one end of his forehead to the other, and down around near his ear. I didn't realize that this would put him to sleep. I can't even remember the last time that he fell asleep in my lap like that- its been years. So I sat there, holding him. I listened to his breathing get heavier, until he was releasing a slight snore, but I still couldn't bring myself to move him. It was just too perfect. Being there entranced in a snuggle gave me time to block out everything else, and just think. Really think. About the way that I present myself to my children, and how I could maybe pay better attention to my on/off switch.

Sometime after a trip to the hospital for the last of some last-minute-before-we-leave-this-base tests, a trip to Dyess Elementary to pick up Miss Eleanore from another rockin' day of kindergarten, a trip to the post office to send off a package that is long overdue for a friend in Norway, and a trip to the commissary for the next 3 nights worth of dinner- I gave in and nursed the baby.

After going back and forth in my head all day, I came to the conclusion that its just too much right now. We're moving out of our house on Saturday- the only house shes ever known, goodbye bed, see ya later routine- maybe taking away the breast is just a little bit of overkill? She needs some sense of normalcy right now.

So I made a choice- only at night before bed, and in the morning upon waking. I will not feed her in the night (unless shes sick), and I will not feed her during the day (she can take a sippy or bottle). And slowly, over time, after we get settled into our new normal- maybe then we can try again?

Today was difficult. Just like yesterday was. But at the end of the day, we all shared a delicious meal together, finished our homework (even though we maybe rushed through it so that we could play with our new highlights calander that came in the mail), we played Lego Harry Potter, we read bedtime stories, and we thanked God for all of the things that we're blessed with.

And now Christopher and I are watching Ghostbusters 2, playing words, and drinking tea together. A nice little post chaos date. Also, I fully plan on carbo-loading now that my tests are over with. I've had enough facial numbness and star seeing for one day- bring on the honey pb rice cakes!

16/366

2012-01-16T19:45:00.002-06:00

Today has been all over the place. All play, little chores. Which is probably the opposite of what we needed to be doing, but- then again, who decides that?

I say we play.

So we had leftover pumpkin oatmeal bake for breakfast, paired with perfectly brewed organic coffee topped off with freshly made almond milk. The weather outside was beautiful- almost like being on the Oregon coast- so whats a better thing to do, then go to the zoo? ...So much fun was had. Charlie especially, really went crazy. Being outside on a cloudy day (opposed to suffering the never ending showers of sunshine that we usually feel) is amazing for me and Charlie- it was like being outside for the first time ever. Watching his seemingly endless bounds of energy, the normalcy in skin color, the happiness in his high pitched toddler voice- God I wish it were cloudy more often.

I decided not to bring in my camera. This was probably our last trip to the Abilene zoo, and I just wanted to live it, rather than document it. I did whip out my phone for a few pictures here and there- because no matter how hard I try, I just can't resist- but my Canon stayed in between the seats on the floor in the car.

After the zoo, and a really exciting ride on a train, we made a detour to the Natural Food Store in town, for lunch.

This is something we never do. We never go out to eat. Ever.
But today it just seemed like the thing to do?

So the kids had rice and bean plates, avocado instead of cheese. Christopher had a big giant gluten free burrito. And I had a blueberry smoothie- hold the yogurt, gimme almond.

Something about the way that the smoothies come in styrofoam cups with fancy straws and lids- it just makes me feel fancy. Aaaand I took a picture of it?

But what our day has really been about, is weaning the baby. Its something that I've been needing to do for a few months, and yesterday I made the decision. Its time.

We put her to bed last night like usual, and then- that was it. I slept on the couch so that when she woke up in the night, I wouldn't be there to make it harder. And I held strong all day long. It wasn't until this evening that my heart really started to hurt.

Nursing is something that we've done since she was born. She latched on immediately, and its been a part of our beautiful relationship ever since.

So to take that away from her- ugh, its just killing me.

She wasn't herself today at all. I can tell that she feels unloved. Shes hurt. Shes angry. Shes confused. She cries out for it, but all I can do is hold her. She rests her head on my shoulder and moans, almost like she asking me "why Mommy?! Why not?!". When I nurse her, I usually run my fingers through her hair. And its something that irritates her, she almost always pushes my hand away. But today, while I was holding her in my lap, she reached over and grabbed my hand, and pulled it up to her forehead and cheek.

I think that was the moment that it hit me- how hard this is. I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

I hate to hurt my baby.

She took a few sips of apple juice from a sippy cup before bed tonight, something that shes never done before, but I know that shes dehydrated and hungry, since she refused to eat or drink just about everything that we've offered her.

Give it another day. She'll get hungry enough. She'll get thirsty enough. She'll come around.

And all I can do is hope and pray and believe that she'll understand. I still love her. This isn't a punishment. She needs more nutrition than I can provide her with. Its time for me to have my body back, and time for her to grow hers.

Fingers crossed that we make it through the night. Fingers crossed that we make it through tomorrow.

15/366

2012-01-16T19:34:00.002-06:00

What is it about the backs of our cars that sparks curious imaginations in our children? Small spaces hold endless opportunities. Unexplored territories. Adventure and excitement, and maybe even a little bit of rebellion?

I remember as a young child, loving to sit in the hatcback of my parents little brown Hyundai, with the seats folded down. I can still remember the comforting scent. They would go to the drive in, stopping at McDonalds for a happy meal along the way (fraggle rock and barenstain bears toys, anybody?), and I'd have a nice cozy nest of a bed there in the back. It was my favorite.

Theres just something awesome about opening up the trunk and crawling inside. Its even more fun to squeeze your way through the front aisle or two, or even scale a leather wall, but- maybe easier access when someone pops open the door.

We were on our way to Natural Grocers for some care package items, as well as a few staples that we were in immediate need of- green crunchies for the addicted baby, almonds for almond milk, cayenne pepper, kale, and celery. Organic celery is awesome.

14/366

2012-01-14T21:14:00.003-06:00

I know that they won't stay this small forever. Someday, watching The Great Day Of The Fliers won't impress them or hold their attention- pianos and binkys will slowly fade away- and ...I won't be able to dress Evelyn up like Rainbow Brite forever.

Has a cup of coffee ever tasted so good? Theres just something so special about sitting with friends in a room full of clanking dishes (or plastic silverware), and sipping freshly brewed coffee topped off with almond milk.

Peek a boo. Wheres the baby? Oh there she is!

Mouth? Mouth. Ears! Eyes. Mouth?

Love.

13/366

2012-01-14T20:40:00.002-06:00

Maybe I'm just a little bit nostalgic during our last few days here at Dyess, but- nothing on this earth can compare to the times that we've spent together as a family at this park.

Learning to crawl, learning to walk, learning to swing, learning to slide- laughing and crying and scraping our knees.

Cherished memories.
This is a beautiful life.

12/366

2012-01-12T20:12:00.002-06:00

Every Thursday, Daddy takes Elie to speech therapy at the West Texas Rehab.
Today was her last day.

11/365

2012-01-11T20:15:00.002-06:00

I love how the blackbirds collect on the fences in the back yards every morning. They sit in the empty tree branches, on the frosty roof tops, and line up along the boards that separate our houses. Sometimes through the kitchen window, I see them take off and land out of the corner of my eye- it either makes me jump, because I think its a person- or it makes me drift to the window for some coffee cup holding bird watching time.

I still don't think they've eaten the ornaments off of our front tree, by the way. So that kind of sucks.

Eleanore is away at kindergarten during the day now, so the two younger ones have gotten plenty of time to grow on each other. It used to be, that Evelyn couldn't come anywhere near Charlie without him screaming and running away. She was so in love with having a big brother, and he wanted nothing to do with her. I'd be sitting on the floor by a blanket, changing his diaper, and she'd see him there, helpless, and no matter where she was in the house, she'd somehow know, and she'd come crawling from wherever she was, as fast as she could.

Slowly, over time, he got used to this. I'll never forget the day that I noticed their legs were touching in the side by side double stroller, as we walked Elie to school. Finally, he didn't hate her.

He gave her an inch, so she took a mile.

The two beast babies fight over, everything. If hes got it, she wants it. If shes got it, he wants it.

Ok but sometimes she can be kind of a bully. Today she almost took my eye out with a dinosaur tail.

So bad baby went to time out.

And time out, for now, is just a cozy area in the middle of a room full of boxes, where she can sit with her binky and (super)stinky, and sulk. And calm down. Or cry. Or scream at me. Or... throw more dinosaurs at me, and nearly take out my other eye. Dangit Evelyn!

Charlie was pretty happy though, being able to go back to his happy place, stacking up box towers on the train table, without fear of bully baby interception.

And I mean, how bad is time out really, when you're 17 months old and surrounded by song singing computers and fluffy purple baby dolls?

Lets distract everyone from their boo hoo's with lunch, shall we?
Also, I'm hiding all dinosaurs.

Okay, well- all we have is leftovers, and we really don't even have enough of those, so- yummm, hard boiled eggies with herbimare instead of salt! Mommy is adventurous!

Evelyn hates it.

Well of course she does- she hates everything.

Ok you know what? Its time for bed! Evelyn is throwing her egg against the wall, Charlie is digging as his with a red plastic spiderman spoon, and if I don't take some tylenol soon, I'm going to need a time out in the cushy baby doll filled play pen.

10/366

2012-01-10T19:57:00.004-06:00

Its 8:00pm on an average Tuesday night, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I took a few pictures throughout the day, trying to get my #10, but as always, I can't pick just one. So far my 366 project has been going well. I've made more of an effort to pick up the camera every day, and photograph the kids exactly how they are.

Even though she was sooooo tired, Eleanore came downstairs for her breakfast of blueberry oatmeal, wearing one of her very favorite kitty shirts, very dissapointed about the lack of last nights snowfall.

Miss Evelyn can't seem to keep her paws off of the dvds. I guess theres sort of a lack of things in the house right now, what with half of our stuff being in boxes. Shes taken apart those same cases 100 times in the last week.

Delicious carrot soup for dinner. The kids like to dip their rice cakes into it.

In between songs on my Elton John radio station, I peeked outside to see what Christopher and the babies were up to. Playing with coupe cars and tractors- enjoying the last of the days light.

Since when is my 5 year old baby girl, a teenager? Look at her laying there in her space (whats left of it, at least), playing video games in skinny jeans. I love this picture.

Oh good- its not only dinner, but its a hat!

At least she ate something more than Mama's milk and rice cakes tonight.

Up the stairs, into the bathroom, time to get clean clean clean clean.

#10 was a good day.

9/366

2012-01-09T19:56:00.004-06:00

It was a gloomy kind of day. We all got woken up at 4am by thunder/lightning/hail- the works. The storm was an on again off again thing all day. We collected over an inch of rain by the afternoon. I love the sound of water droplets on the window glass, and thunder creeping up to our overhang.

We played with lots of dinosaurs today, and watched lots of dinosaur movies. I think I might actually be a dinosaur now. I literally go around "bumping things with my horn". I have a song to go along with it and everything.

Christopher coming home for lunch every day is one of the best hours that we have. Its so refreshing to hear him come through the door- even though I usually hear Charlie screaming "Daddy! Daddys home! Daddy!" before I have a chance to hear Christopher.

I let Charlie skip his nap this afternoon because I didn't want to be left alone with the gloom. I've been feeling a little under the weather lately- I've been having a hard time adjusting to my new (treatment)diet- lots of glucose, and my stomach hates it. I trust though, I trust. One day at a time.

But anyways, I just didn't want to be left alone feeling sorry for myself (and my achy belly), so I decided to keep Charlie up to keep me company while baby sister napped upstairs in her comfy crib. And it was nice, to just relax with him on the couch. Listening to the storm. Making dinosaurs walk along the cushions. Drinking lemon water and talking about how maybe Santa will bring him a Chick Hicks.

The rainy day adventures continued after Elie got home from school. We let the kids take apart the couch and pretend it was a boat? They built cushion forts and used the arms of the sectional as diving boards into the ocean of fluff on the floor in front of them. Okay and maybe at one point they were jumping on each other, but-

"You could just see Charlie's little smile, from somewhere deep inside the pile".

Maybe tomorrow will be a snow day? And we can do it all over again.

8/366

2012-01-08T20:13:00.004-06:00

In the afternoon, Eleanore was having a bit of a temper tantrum because nobody was paying attention to her. Evelyn and Charlie were upstairs napping, I was making a meal plan and shopping list, and Christopher was up to his elbows in a sloppy mixture of homemade oven cleaner and the leftover dinner grease from the past 3 1/2 years. We felt this was a good time for her to entertain herself for a bit.

Too bad she didn't agree.

She had earlier said some mean things to Christopher, so he had run to the couch in an over dramatic way, and thrown himself into the cushions with a good fake moan of tears. It was ridiculous. So later on when she was really wanting to let us know how upset she was- she did the same thing. Only, she chose to do it under the train table.

I would have just ignored it (or laughed at it, which is what I did from where I sat at the kitchen table), but Christopher is a softy, and got under the cluttered train table with her. It was sweet, the way that he played along and put on a show for her in order to snap her out of her funk- its exactly what she needed. Distraction almost always works. The sillier the better.

When I took her with me to the commissary after my meal plan was made- I'm sorry, I'm finding it hard to concentrate right now, because my husband just downloaded Linkin Parks entire discography onto his phone (why?!), and they're nagging at the left side of my head while I type this.

Anyways. When I took Elie to the commissary with me after my meal plan was made, I had to voilently tickle her in 3 different aisles, to get her to snap out of her "you won't buy me a stupid cars movie themed mylar balloon and I hate you" fit.

Also, rice cakes were on sale for $1 a bag. I bought like 20 bags. How could I pass up that deal?

Oh, and we somehow managed to walk away from the van without closing the side door, so when we got back to it after shopping- yeah it was still open. Good to know, that it won't just close itself. Also, good to know that the kind people of Dyess AFB feel no need to steal muddy baby blankets that have been stomped all over, or obnoxious talking toy laptops that repeat the same thing over and over again, no matter how many times you hit the back of it or replace the batteries.

Alright, I've had just about all the Linkin Park I can take for one night. The only way hes going to turn it off, is if I shut the computer and go watch and Sense and Sensibility with him. His choice, not mine.

No. Thats real.

7/366

2012-01-07T21:25:00.003-06:00

Sometime after our yummy brown rice and broccoli lunch, I mustered up the energy to drive down the access road to the health food store. And because Christopher had decided that he wanted to scrub the stairs with boiling water (hey- whatever it takes to get this house ready) and the two younger ones were down for naps, I thought maybe bringing the oldest along as a helper might be nice.

Our shopping list looked something like this:

-chia seeds
-almonds
-cumin
-coconut sugar
-dried strawberries
-date rolls
-organic coffee
-flax puffs
-green crunchies
-goat cheese

And of course there were a few things not on the list that found their way into our cart- things that either I forgot to write down, or decided worthy along the way.

And wait- did I just say "goat cheese" ??

I hate goats, by the way.

Its been so long since I stood before a shelf of yogurt, I didn't even remember what I was looking for once I got there. Eleanore picked out a few flavors of coconut yogurt for herself and brother and sister to have, and I grabbed a cup of plain goats yogurt to toss into a morning smoothie.

I need milk sugars? I don't remember why, but- we'll start with just a spoonful a day, for a few days, and we'll go from there? I don't have high hopes, but I do have trust.

Elie got a little out of control towards the end of the shopping trip. She had been carrying around an over sized macaroon cookie the entire time, knowing that if she was good, I'd let her have it. So every time she got too crazy, I reminded her "theres a cookie in your hands, and it could be in your mouth if you bring it back down a notch!".

And that totally worked.
Heh. Bribery.

A nice little outting- for the kingdom of girls.

6/366

2012-01-07T20:46:00.002-06:00

In the morning we woke up bright and early- too early. We drove Eleanore down to her school, which is just down the street and around the corner, but when its as cold as it has been, we drive. We park at the gate, walk her off base and across the street to her school, hug goodbye, and then walk back. Charlie always finds a stick. And then is always sad when we have to leave it behind.

Today was exciting though, because: When we got home I set Charlie and his dinosaurs up with The Land Before Time, and Evelyn and I had a skype date with my naturopath to go over some of the do's and don'ts of my diagnosis. I filled up 3 pages of an autobot notebook with "can't have soy", "you are now a vampire", and "cake is medicine".

See, I've got this super rare autoimmune disease, and I really want to talk about it with you (with somebody other than my husband, at least), but there is still so much swimming around in my head, that none of what I have to say would make much sense. There are certain bits of information that float to the surfice on my brain pool, but still way too much of it sinking to the bottom. I need a net. A brain net? And a garbage bin to throw some of the debri into, might be nice.

So I was really out of it today- thinking about this and that, and how to deal with it- and because of that, lots of little things were a little off.

And the kids just hate it when I'm off.
And I don't blame them.
I hate it too.

Sometime after Christopher got home, and after the oldest one had publicly abused me, followed by coming home and dropping both my laptop and camera from a very high household elevation (somewhat broken, but still working)- Evelyn and I took a seat at the kitchen table. And there we sat. I think Charlie was rolling around on the ground with his Lovey and Binky, because on top of everything else, he wasn't feeling well. Eleanore was upstairs being punished by Daddy for I-don't-even-remember-what, and- well it was just nice to sit there with her, and hold her, and remember that its not all that bad. Even when it is, ya know?

Just another day.

5/366

2012-01-05T20:05:00.002-06:00

Charlie has been so full of energy today- singing instead of speaking, running instead of walking, playfully toting around a big green army box full of plastic birthday dinosaurs.

For any other 3 year old, I think that might be normal behavior? But our Charlie is a little bit different from the norm. He usually stays on the shy side of things, plays it safe, and if anything- hides under a giant pile of pillows in the back corner of the couch, sometimes to the point of me forgetting that hes even in the room.

Today at lunch, after an impromptu trip to the park with friends (to which we were late for, because of a diaper mishap), Lightning McQueen decided he didn't want to eat his food. And thats okay, but- if you're not wanting to eat, then you need to take your tired butt upstairs Mister, its nap time early.

So he happily clambered up the stairs, and I thought to myself "yeah right, this kid is never going to sleep". I told him that I'd come up and read to him and tuck him in, and all that good stuff, after Daddy went back to work. But- it was so quiet after Christopher left, that I forgot to.

And then it was Evelyn's turn for a lay down.

But wait- why is it so quiet?

Oh. Well I guess he really was tired.

No lava lamp turned on. No Charlie the farm dog story. No "Goodbye, and I'll see you when you come back"'s.

heeeeeeeeeee.

My Charlie.
Sweet dreams, tired boy.

Remind me next time to wake you up before the 3 hour mark though, becaaaause- pretty sure you're going to be awake until midnight.

Time With Friends & GF Gifts For The Birds

2012-01-05T13:39:00.002-06:00

The kids have a worn out paper back Christmas themed Barney book, sent to them from a far off family member, in which Barney and friends decorate an outside Christmas tree for all of the nearby forest animals on Christmas morning. And they all dance around the tree and life is good and yadda yadda yadda. Well the kids absolutely love it.

So I found a tutorial on how to do something similar, only- we needed to make ours gluten free in order to work with the dough. Especially since the babies like to stick everything in their mouths still (it looks like thats something that they've chosen never to outgrow).

I put a call out on a local swap meet page, to see if anybody had any spare bird seed, because I certainly wasn't about to use up all of our gas by driving all the way into town and pay for a giant bag of seed, just for this one project. It just so happened that a friend of mine responded (hooray!), saying she had some in her garage, so- well we thought that maybe her and her kids would like to get together and do the project with us??

I brought over all of the supplies to their house, as many as I could carry, at least. We covered their dining room table with cookie sheets, wax paper, bird seed, corn syrup, cookie cutters, crayons... we made a mess.

While the younger ones were away playing cars and trains, or were maybe being strapped into vintage wooden high chairs with a handful of stacking cups- the older ones sat up nice and high on their knees in their chairs, taking turns pouring and stirring the seed into goo.

The original recipe can be found here, but we kind of made ours up as we went along, praying to the winter Gods that these would hold together in the upcoming snow and wind. Yes, it snows in Texas.

1/4 cup cornstarch
1/4 cup white rice flour
1/4 cup powdered peanut butter (pb2)
1/2 cup water
1 1/2 envelopes unflavored gelatin
3 tbsp. corn syrup
1-2 tbsp. of molasses
4 cups birdseed

...something like that?

After it was all mixed up, we grown ups rubbed the cookie cutters with oil, and then set them down onto the wax paper in front of the kidlets- placed the bowl of seed in the middle of the table, handed them spoons, and told them to fill 'er up! Was that lame? Because in my head I said it in my redneck voice, and it wasn't lame at all.

So while they were scooping and pressing and patting and getting bored because nothing was coming to life or singing Christmas jingles- the adults were unwrapping little paper covered colored wax bits that I had fished out of the bottom of the crayon bag a few seconds before walking out the door.

The original tutorial had called for drinking straws, but I didn't have any, so this seemed like the next best thing.

We made sure that all of the cookie cutters were good and full of our seed solution, and then told the kids to stab it somewhere near the top with a crayon (which they all had to fight over who got what color, of course- because the girls had to have pink, and the boys had to have not pink). This would eventually be the hole that we would use to string it up.

And then we had organic candy canes and played around for awhile while our ornaments dried over on the table, before it was time for us to say goodbye and go home.

And we let them dry, and we let them dry, and we let them dry.

Later that night, I carefully took a butter knife and worked at the cookie cutters until out slid our festive seed ornaments- making sure to leave the crayons in- flipped them over on the wax paper, and let the other side dry out over night.

And it worked!

So I popped out the crayons, set them aside, cut some ribbons I found in the gift wrapping tub, and strung those babies up to hang on the outside tree, Barney style.

They turned out so pretty! And really- can we all just rejoice at how another one of my gluten free mock ups didn't fall apart? Thats 2 in a row for me- I better not test my luck.

Evelyn was amazed at the wondrous new ornaments. She wanted to hold them in her grabbing hands, and bang them on things- any things and every things, and taste them with her curious mouth.

Mama said no.

Barney would have too.

And she was mad.

But-

She did get to help hang them on the tree. As did Brother and Sister...

And they loved it- just like they love it when the dinosaurs do it in the book. Had a cold front not been knocking on our door, we would have stayed outside longer, but- we lifted our ornaments onto the tree, and ducked back into the house quick as we could, before our fingers froze to the red and green strings.

I even got a chance to hang one up (okay, but only because I was holding up the crowd with my obnoxious picture taking, and there was one left over). And ya know, it was really fun. One of those memorable things that puts a smile on your face and a spring in your step- even when its snowing flurries from the sky above you.

...now if only the birds would just realize that they're there.

4/366

2012-01-04T20:52:00.003-06:00

Today was Eleanore's last day of winter vacation. It seems to be extra long now, compared to when we were kids and it was only a week or so. Anyways- shes always looking for something to do, from the very second that she opens up her eyes in the morning- she just can't seem to sit still.

So this morning while it was still dark, as I was cleaning up the kitchen counter and in serious need of a nice clean white towel, I realized that they were all still in the laundry, or so I thought. Turns out Christopher had tossed them into a plastic grocery bag (so they were not in the laundry), and put them on top of a wardrobe box? Something about "well we're moving, so I didn't want them to clutter up the counter". K, well, we're moving, right- but we still have to clean our counters of spilt coffee, soooo...

"Hey Eleanore, can you fold all of these for Mommy?", I said, as I plopped the bag down onto the laminate floor in front of her.

She smiled, dug into the bag, and she was on it.

Do it girl! Fold, fold, fold away. Before the pile was finished, I designated this her new "chore" (because I can't stand doing it, and she seemed to be smitten with it), and then proceeded with wiping up my spilt coffee off of the counter top.

We had another good day today, with the exception of some minor bumps in the road pre green smoothie. An excellent day, actually. Every day, on the ups, I feel myself coming back to me. But today was extra great- because answers are always great. And today we got some answers.

We listened to the Taylor Swift station on pandora, which is extremely upbeat and the kids love it (aaand maybe I do too), while we snacked on veggie booty and danced the floors clean. They think they're sweeping, when really they're just making a bigger mess for me to clean up after they've left the room.

We went to the tucan park, where Evelyn voiced her opinions very loudly and clearly, shouting at me to help her up onto the fish steps. We made up a game called butterfly- you flap your wings and run, I chase you with my net. But if you don't flap your wings, then you're just a caterpillar, and I won't bother trying to win your affection. We also got splinters in our hands, because whoever designed the parks here, aren't very smart with their bright ideas of mulch pits.

Evelyn and I went on a walk by ourselves in the evening time. She carried her wobbly self all the way down the empty sidewalk to the stop sign, but refused to hold my hand on the way back, shouting "NO!" over and over again in the angriest little baby way possible, so had to be carried home. And just was we were nearing the house- 2 planes flew over head, split away from each other, and then flew back over head the other way again. It was loud, and awesome. Evelyn was mesmerized, with her chin tilted as high up as it could go, eyes glued to the bombers.

For dinner we had a steamy mix of kale and red and green peppers over a bed of rice, topped with a really good hummus. See the fancy trick is, to replace the tahini with raw almond butter. I promise you its fantastic.

And I finally used up the tips of my reborn onion babies. They were tasty. And everything that I dreamed they would be.

All of the babies are now in bed- and I'm about to get started on tomorrows night-before breakfast bowl (an almond chia pudding), and maybe snack on some chocolate hazelnut butter? Or peanut butter? Or... chai? Chai would be the lighter way to go. Chocolate hazelnut butter would be the delicious way to go. I'm hungry. Or am I?

Back to school tomorrow. Lah di dah.

3/3660- Smoothies, Play Dough, and Duplo Castles

2012-01-03T20:07:00.006-06:00

I started my morning with an upbeat surprise that had me floating on a cloud. Even now, though I'm starting to remember what some of the downsides are, I'm smiling at the progress that I've made in the last couple of months, as far as my health goes. Smile. Life is good.

For breakfast I had a very green smoothie. 1 cup of homemade almond milk, 1 banana, 2 oranges, 2 cups spinach, 1 tablespoon flax seeds, 2 tablespoons honey, 2 handfuls of ice. It was a gorgeous color, and it tasted light and healthy- the only thing that would have made it more perfect was a little bit of vanilla.

I've always wanted an herb garden- but I've never been taught much about gardening, or herbs, or anything green at all really. At the house after next, I plan on really giving it a go. But for now, I've got these little lovelies growing on my window sil. Its been fun watching them blossom taller and taller with every day. It makes me happy.

Also, they're in my favorite cat mug, so-

Today was a better day. It was a sunny morning. Evelyn woke up with happy girl babbles, instead of I'm-going-vomit-all-over-you cries. And I had previously made a berry banana chia coconut pudding for the kids to have for their breakfast, so the other two didn't really have much to complain about. Pudding for breakfast? Well okay!

If I would have known that the kids would go hog wild over play dough, I would have made it forever ago. They play with it daily. Charlie doesn't play with it for very long, and he mostly just copies what Eleanore does, or tries to eat it, but- Eleanore is crazy for it. She'll play and play and play and play, until somebody distracts her with talk of food or movies. I'm so glad that they like it.

Eleanore built an amazing duplo castle today. For Christmas, Grandpa Dave had sent Evelyn some new building blocks, as well as the large peg boards to stack them up on. Eleanore thrives with these type of activities. Dolls, dress up- no thank you. But hand this girl a puzzle or a set of blocks, and she'll blow your mind.

It started with her making a "table and chairs, with food", and before I knew it, there was a giant castle where the train table once was. It was so sturdy and detailed, I thought surely Christopher must have built it. And it turns out that he may have helped a little, but- still. Eleanore is awesome. Eleanore, if you're ever reading this: you, are, awesome.

And when sister woke up from her nap that she was never actually taking, she helped, in her destructive banging on things kind of way.

But I love it when Eleanore is in a good mood and lets Evelyn play with her. I love it when they stand side by side and work together. Nobody fighting for pieces, nobody crying over who stole or broke what. Just two sisters, my babies, being friends.

And there was homemade fruit roll ups. And trips to the park. And baths loaded with essential oil fizzies. And prayers to God thanking him or her for all of it.

And I've still got that smile from this morning on my face.

2/366- A Rough Day For The Red Head And Me

2012-01-02T20:01:00.003-06:00

Today started out on the edge. Charlie woke up before 5am, the baby woke up shortly after. I'm pretty sure that we went to bed sometime after midnight last night, so dragging ourselves out of our comforatable warm beds on an icy morning like this morning, just to cater to hungry babies who demanded that we play trains the moment our eyes opened, was just the pits.

But I made baked oatmeal for everyone in an attempt to cheer myself up, which sort of worked. All of our baking dishes are packed up though, so I had to use those littel disposable aluminum loaf pans? It was kind of cute.

As the day went on, things were up and down. My head wasn't fully in the game until after a serious skype date with a good friend in Norway. After that, and a giant green smoothie (oh my gosh todays was heaven), I was good to go. Lets build those train tracks, kids!

See, there I am, in all of my shilhoutted goodness.

This is one of my favorite headwraps right now, by the way. The lightness of the yarn keeps my head from getting uncomfortable as the day goes on, whereas some of my other headbands make my head hurt by the afternoon. ...I look like a total hippie when I wear it though. Which I sort of like :)

If you're looking for something similar, talk to this lady. She knows her way around a pair of knitting needles- and shes taking custom orders.

So thats that.

But now onto my 2nd photo for my 366 project (because theres an extra day this year, right?)-

Today sucked, for Evelyn. Shes cutting some molars, and they're tearing through her gums like iceburgs chopping up the Titanic. On New Years Eve she was up off and on all night long, just miserable. Crying and screaming and just wanting to be held. New Years Day seemed to be alright, but then today it was right back to feeling awful. Hold me, hold me, hold me. Make it better, fix it, make it better. Well after lunch time, which she had skipped, we decided to give her some ibuprofen and put her down for a nap.

...20 minutes later, Christopher and Eleanore go outside to spray down our mini blinds with the hose, and show our old couch to a potential buyer, and I hear a whole heap of coughing from an upstairs crib, followed by ouch-that-hurt crying.

Uh oh.

All of her bedding is currently packed up with the rest of our stuff- so the dirty sheets, comforter, and bff stinky had to go straight into the wash. The baby had to go straight into the bath. And we had to spend the rest of the afternoon holding an exhausted and exasperated baby that really just needed to sleep.

She had her happy moments too though. Charlie found their favorite rubber ball amidst the maze of boxes, so she chased that around between the kitchen and the living room for awhile. And then all of the kids stuffed themselves into an empty cabinet that used to hold all of our tupperware. They called it their cave, and pretended to be characters from ice age? Kids are awesome.

It took forever for her things to wash and dry. But shes held down a little breastmilk, and shes been sleeping it off.

Hopefully tomorrow is better?
Lets try to sleep in until 6:00 at least?

Also, remind me never to eat peanut butter cookie dough ever again, ever. Ugh.

PS. This is Christopher's last day of leave before going back to work (before taking more leave), so my 366s will probably become much shorter, and probably much less detailed. Sorry 'bout that Grammy ;)

1/365

2012-01-01T19:46:00.004-06:00

Christopher and I celebrated the New Year last night by staying up together on our over sized comfortable couch, watching Super 8 ordered off of itunes (which was excellent), eating homemade hazelnut chocolate spread, and rocking the teething toddler back and forth while she floated in and out of sleep on our chests.

Christopher took a picture of me and Evelyn as the movie was ending.

Its been so long since the baby held still long enough to love on me like that, I neverminded my awkward and unflattering position, and just let him take it.

One thing I'd like to work on in this new year, is our documentary. The way that it really is. I don't want to disguise who I am, or who my family is, for any reason. And most nights, well- I have a double chin from the way that I've collapsed on the couch after doing the post dinner dishes, my 3 month old dreadlocks look an absolute mess since I don't really believe in maintenance and usually wear them up in a wrap, and- well I want my kids to remember me the way that I actually am.

And I want to remember them the way that they actually are.

I'm doing another 365 this year. I did one for both Eleanore and Charlie a couple years ago, and I have so many beautiful shots of their growth and character. I miss that. I want that. Recently I've felt overwhelmed by keeping up with our documentary. Sometimes my camera will sit in its epiphane nest on top of the filing cabinet for a week or more, and then by the time I pick it up again, I feel so guilty for not having taken any pictures, that I over compensate by trying to hard to get a good shot. And of course by the time I've got the dang thing looped around my neck and turned on- the kids have scattered, and I end up with a shot of the back of their heads, and maybe a blurry eye if they so happened to look back to "neener neener" at me.

But what I'm really good at, and what I really enjoy- is the real moments. So this 365 that I'm starting is going to be just that- a collection of memories from my point of view. I won't fuss over the technicalities- a little overexposure never killed anybody. Instead, I'll celebrate the beauty of my family. No themes, just our life. One day it might be a photo of Evelyn, one day it might be the cat. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I'll be able to get a few shots of all 3 kids? Probably followed by 5 days of messes, laundry piles, and moving boxes.

Today was day 1.

Eleanore, the dear, lost her 2nd tooth the other night. And the next morning she stumbled down the stairs, bangs in her eyes, pout on her face, and she says- "The tooth fairy didn't come!".

...Oh Jesus. She was right!

What kind of an awful tooth fairy blows off little girls who have tucked their teeth underneath their pillows with adorable notes that read "I hope you find our house!"?

Ugh. Me.

...quick, I need an excuse!

"Well, you know what? I bet the tooth fairy was afraid to come, because of the chapstick that you smeared all over your wall yesterday. She could get stuck!".

Save.

"So you have to clean it all off, and I bet she'll come tonight while you're sleeping".

Win.

And Eleanore scrubbed that wall. Well, today we all scrubbed walls. And doorways. And bathrooms. And carpets. And ceiling vents. And anything else that might have dirt or dust and prevent us from passing our upcoming housing inspection.

The tooth fairy brought her 2 quarters. One for each tooth that shes lost so far.

Another personal project that I've got going, is having a green smoothie every day for breakfast. This is something that I've been doing, but thought maybe I could write down my recipes, take and share some pictures- make it a little bit more fun? And then this morning, I made a red smoothie instead? Oops. Way to kick start this project, right?

I probably won't post my smoothies every day, in fact I know I won't, but- maybe here and there? Maybe I'll just post them on my instagram account (if you've got an iphone, come find me? I'm TiaColleen).

This new year has a lot in store for us.

My Favorite Little Boy Has A Birthday

2011-12-26T21:55:00.005-06:00

I think every birthday post starts out with the words "I can't believe my baby...", but, really- I can't believe that my baby boy is another year older.

Three. This is a big deal.

Christmas came and went, and then this morning when we woke up, our favorite little boy was practically a grown up. He wakes up on his own in the mornings, between 5:00 and 6:30, and he walks himself downstairs, turns on a light, and gets to playing. After all, theres absolutely no time to waste, when you've got a brand new train table with railroad tracks just sitting there, demanding to be taken apart and put back together again.

The cutest part about Charlie's big day, was that he didn't understand that it was his birthday. Everytime we'd tell him "Happy Birthday Charlie!", he'd pick up a toy and say "Happy Birthday Lightning!", or "Happy Birthday Cranky!", as if we were playing a game? The birthday game. The one time that we tried to argue that it wasn't his trains birthday, and explain to him that it was his birthday, he burst into tears at the lunch table, and screamed until I corrected it all and said "No no, see what I meant was, its everyone's birthday today!!!".

One of the first things that he opened up, was a monster truck toy sent to him from my parents in Washington. Boy did they hit the nail on the head- he drove that monster truck with its ATV trailer up and down the window sill forever.

Theres just something extra special about a plastic thing with wheels, isn't there? I've never quite understood it, but little boys everywhere seem to speak the same language when it comes to vroom and zoom. He loved it.

And then came a suitcase full of over sized puzzle pieces, which didn't seem to interest him as much as it did his sisters (a treasure, for the girls). He dumped them out and put them back in the box a couple of times, but- they didn't chug or toot, so they didn't hold his attention.

Grammy sent some really cool stacking alphabet blocks- these was cool. Kids love things that stack in and out of each other. And these blocks get really tall. Taller than the baby even- which makes them that much more exciting. So we stacked and tumbled, over and over again. And over, and over, and over again.

Grammy and Gpa also sent a shiny new copy of Cars 2, so- I bet you can guess how we spent our afternoon.

We got him a few things too- our favorite being these wooden wheely dinosaurs. Dinosaurs and wheels... what could be better??

Oh, right- the train set that Santa brought him yesterday morning. Train set = greater than all.

Grandpa Dave really threw the confetti up in the air though, by sending Charlie train accessories. A new Cranky. I don't even know what a cranky is? But apparently Charlie does. Unwrapping Cranky was like unwrapping gold.

And somewhere within all of that- Charlie passed out on his bed with his Cranky in one hand, and his Lovey in another.

And when he woke up, we ate a delicious homemade "boofday cake". Peanut butter cheesecake, made of cashews, coconut oil, lemon, and agave- the best we've had yet. We couldn't find any candles in the cabinet, so he settled for some organic sprinkles instead. Oh the thrill of sprinkles.

Now, more about this train table...

This train table has become a way of life. Its the center of the house right now, and there isn't a waking moment that passes, where there aren't little hands touching it. Sometimes those little hands are knocking down bridges, or stealing freight cars from siblings, but- nonetheless, this is the current favorite.

Happy Boofday, Mister Charlie. You're my favorite little man. I love watching you wipe your nose after every bite you take, I love saying "goodbye, I'll see you when I come back" every time that I leave the room, and I love tucking you in 100 times every night when you cry out "cover me up", because you just want to see Mommy and Daddy one more time before going to sleep.

You're a pretty awesome 3 year old.

Tomorrow we'll watch Scrat.
I promise.

Making Gluten Free Play Dough With Charlie

2011-12-21T21:46:00.004-06:00

My kids have been kind of cheated, in the play dough department. Eleanore had only played with it once while she was at a friends house, and the peanut butter play dough that we used to smoosh around apparently wasn't good enough to stick in their memories.

I've been meaning to make gluten free play dough for forever.

On Eleanore's first day of kindergarten, we walked into her class room, found her seat, and yep, right there on her laminated place mat, was a little container of play dough. ...and so it began.

I've still been meaning to make gluten free play dough.

And then when she wins a trip to her classrooms treasure chest for good behavior- she picks a little thing of play dough. Well you can't play with that here at home, so...

Again, must- make- play dough.

So yesterday when we were out at the store, we picked up some rice flour and some corn starch- I will make play dough. I will stop sucking at motherhood. Its happening.

First: I needed to enlist a helper. And since the baby was sleeping upstairs and not pawing at my legs begging for green crunchies for the first time all day- Charlie, come help Mommy!!

Ok, so we used this recipe, and it was easy peasy...

-1 Cup White Rice Flour
-1/2 Cup Cornstarch
-1/2 Cup Salt
-1 Tbsp Cream of Tartar
-1-1/2 tsp vegetable oil
-Splash vanilla for scent.
-1 Cup Water, hot but not boiling
-Food Coloring

1. Mix all dry ingredients together in a medium pot.
2. Then add the vegetable oil and water. Mix mix mix.
3. Heat the pot on the stove over low/med heat for 3-5 minutes.
4. When the dough starts to pull away from the sides easily, turn out the dough onto wax paper. Let it cool briefly until you can work it with your hands (mine never got that hot).
5. Knead food coloring into the dough until you get the color you're looking for.

Charlie poured all of the dry ingredients in. I just supervised. And photographed. And reminded him 100 times to keep it all in the pot.

His favorite part was whisking the flours together. And pouring the oil in. It was just after this point that he decided Lightning McQueen was way more interesting, and took off to the utensil drawer, so that McQueen could blow a tire in a funnel?

It kinda looked like icing, btw, while it was cooking on the stove, which made me hungry? Speaking of hungry- Christopher is reheating me leftover sweet potato curry right now, in between watching mythbusters and top gear. But right, anyways-

So I stood there by myself, listening to Christmas music on pandora, sprinkling cornstarch and food coloring onto sticky dough balls, while my 2 year old drove his tiny toy cars through the cabinets and drawers of the kitchen behind me. Your loss Charlie, this is fun.

This one looked like a candy cane, kind of. I had to keep adding color as I went along.

And some of them needed extra cornstarch.

My hands got really pretty though!

YES! There, kids. Are you happy now? I've made you your precious play dough. Get off my case already.

Aaaand while Charlie was pushing Lightning around on a kitchen chair train... I played :)

And then I cleaned :(

But this worked out perfectly, because Elie had early release for winter break today, and this gave the kids something fun to do.

And they, loved it.

So. Thats one of the things that we did today.

Going To The Park

2011-12-18T23:10:00.002-06:00

I was in kind of a crap mood earlier. I don't know why- maybe because I have pink eye (thanks, girls!), maybe because I hadn't left the house for anything other than grocery shopping in awhile, maybe because I was wearing my husbands over sized comfortable hoodie and it was making me too cozy to function- either way, I was a grouch, and nobody wanted to be around me.

So upon looking at myself in the mirror (even though I look like Quasimodo right now), I mouthed the words "don't suck" to myself, and then emerged a happy being, and thought "gee, its a fairly nice day outside- finally- maybe we could go to the park?".

Well hot dog, Mama! We haven't been to the park in at least a month. We haven't been to the Big Green one it probably two!

So I pulled Eleanore away from her upstairs airplane crafting, Charlie threw himself into Lightning McQueen mode and raced towards the door, and Evelyn toddled herself into her heart hoodie and reached "up!" for me to carry her to the stroller. And then we went.

And not only did we go, but- I documented it.

Its been so long since I've taken my camera somewhere with us and shot off a couple rounds of photos. Usually its just a photo here, and a photo there, but- its been a long time since the kids had their own little photo session. It was long overdue. I really enjoyed it.

Christopher and the younger ones played on the swings. It took me a minute to notice that the baby was on his shoulders, rather than in his lap. I had a brief moment of panic, but- just look at how much fun shes having up there. I couldn't rain on that parade.

Eleanore had fallen and scraped her knee- and it was really no big deal. But because she had scraped that same knee a day or two ago, she put on the pout and had herself a pitty party on the slide. Poor wittle baby.

Whoa whoa whoa- Evelyn, look at you, little explorer! The green tunnels have always been there, but you've never really payed them any attention until today. Very cute, to watch you crawl through, peek out, stand up, and fight your way past the evil brother monster.

And speaking of the evil brother monster...

A good friend's Mom (Hi Gay!) made the comment the other night, about how much Charlie has grown since last summer. About how his baby face is gone, and hes growing up into a little boy. ...looking at these pictures- I see it.

Can you believe he'll be three in a week??

There is nothing better, than playing with a pile of sticks.

There were other kids at the park, but none of them Eleanore's age. They were all big kids- 9, 10? Twice her size. And the poor thing, she just doesn't understand. "I just want to play Monsters, and nobody wants to play Monsters with me.", she pouted on the sidewalk with her kitty. Brother does! we reminded her, but- its just not the same.

Coming to the park is hit or miss with Eleanore. Either shes happy and she loves it, or its the most awful place that ever was. And today, it was a little bit of both. It was wonderland until the big kids came. She was so so excited to see them, and couldn't wait to be their new best friend...

and then she was crushed when they showed no interest in her.

Its hard, seeing our little ones ache the way that they do. We remember how bad it feels.

So we did what we always do- acted as if those big kids weren't worth the time of day, and carried on merrily.

Or maybe not, so merrily.

The baby walks now, in case you hadn't noticed, just thought I'd point that out. That big ol' bruise on her noggin is from a sister meets hugs meets slippery hardwood floors meets etchasketch to face. It was vicious, but shes on the mend.

Toddle toddle toddle.

Gosh hes handsome. We're trying to let his hair grow out. We took him in for a trim, but- as you can see, it didn't get trimmed. Tantrums win when it comes to me and the hair salon. Its not a battle I care to fight. You want long messy hair? Fine. I've got dreadlocks, so what do I care if you look like a hipster caveboy.

Going up the stairs has always been easy, but- its coming back down, thats the tricky part.

Wheres the baby?
Oh there she is.

Aww, see! Its not so bad after all, Miss ~~attitude~~ Eleanore.

A fun trip to the park indeed. Bad moods averted.

Until the walk home, at least.

Life Is Good

2011-12-12T17:45:00.002-06:00

Its been two months since I've seen this update screen. ...Two months since I've typed to an unidentified audience. Two months since I've been able to pull sets of words from different corners of my mind to form sentences that would eventually come together to make up a short story of my life. Two months since I've shared photos, two months since I've shared feelings, two months since I've put it all out there.

I can hear Christopher upstairs teaching Eleanore how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors, while they take a bath. Its adorable. It sounds exactly like all of those happy feelings that we feel the moment we see our newborn baby for the first time. All of the things that you imagine your life will be like- thats how my life is. Right now at least.

Alright, enough chitter chatter. ...I owe you an explanation.

Or do I?

Yeah, okay, I feel I do.

This is my blog. My own little typing space. This is my life. That means that I call the shots. If I want to go on a two month crazy lady hiatus, well then dangit, I'm gonna. That being said though- I realize I did sort of abandon what I had going on here- and that means maybe abandoning you.

See I forget that people might actually read what I write. I forget that there are faces and hearts on the other end of this screen, who have in a way, been invited over (on numerous occasions), to hang out with, and spend time with my family and I. I've let you into my world, and then without much of a warning, I shut you out.

So for that, I'm sorry.

And sadly, that explanation that I feel that I owe you, just isn't coming today.

I've taken a nice break though, I've had plenty of time to myself. I think I'm ready to pick up where I left off. It might be a little bit different- I might be a little more reclusive, I might not share quite as often as I once did, but- I'm too in love with writing to call it quits for good.

Life is good.

Our Last Trip To Our Abilene Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-24T15:17:00.004-05:00

I'll never forget our first year in Abilene, driving around town with Christopher's sister Steph, desperately searching for anything that might somewhat resemble a pumpkin patch.

We went home empty handed that day- frustrated and severely out of spirit. I'm pretty sure we ended up buying a pumpkin out of the bottom of a dirt filled wooden box at Walmart, and I don't think it ever got carved anyways, but- I remember being upset.

The next year we skipped pumpkin hunting altogether, but the year following that, we found our beloved pumpkin patch. And its been a tradition ever since.

And this year was no different. Between attacks from the beastly flu, soccer practices and games, jury duty downtown, and anything else that tried to get in our way- we took our annual trip down Clack St, and let the babies pick out their own gourds for carving.

Theres just something so magical about watching your kidlets run about in a field (or in this case, a glorified front yard), looking for just the right one...

Eleanore was moving so fast, from lump to bump, I was lucky that she made it into even one photo. Evelyn got a little baby pumpkin that her big brother picked out for her, and Charlie, who by the end of the trip was feeling the full effects of the impending flu, took whatever pumpkin we handed him.

We might have missed the hay ride this year, but maybe we'll try to go back? Either way- we had a great time watching the sun go down together, glaring off of each and every orange globe in the field.

For a trip down memory lane, here are the links to our past pumpkin patch trips:
Our First Year At The Pumpkin Patch.
Our Second Year At The Pumpkin Patch.

Next year at this time, we'll live in a new place, with new patch to discover.
Bittersweet, it is.

Some Photos

2011-10-20T20:24:00.004-05:00

Christopher is watching Mythbusters with the cat purring in his lap, the babies are asleep (for the most part) upstairs in their cozy comforter covered beds, and I'm relaxing next to a sky high pile of dirty tissues- courtesy of my old friend, the flu.

I feel a lot better than I have been, so I thought I'd share some pictures from the last week...

These chubby stubby legs may or may not have taken their first step this week.

Charlie sure loves his veggies.

Coloring wooden race cars in between snacking on grapes and watching Halloween Thomas.

In between one of many not-feeling-well naps.

Eleanore took a trip to her class treasure chest, and brought home some play dough!

Rockin' the ear infection.

Lovin' on Lovey.

Charlie's playground. He can frequently be found buried under a mountain of decorative pillows, with only an eye peeking out.

Such a busy girl, these days. School, soccer, speech therapy...

My big laundry helper- dumping out all of the nice clean clothes out onto the floor, and turning it into a train.

Barenstain Bears and light through the blinds.

Playtime! Its rush hour at the ramp way on the play mat.

Such curious little fingers, grabbing and pulling at everything they reach.

Its been a wonderful week.

Finding My Beautiful

2011-10-13T13:08:00.003-05:00

Something I've suffered with for months, years even- is identity crisis. I was constantly looking at other women and comparing myself to them- admiration, jealousy, insecurity. I went from black hair to blond hair to purple hair to highlighted hair to red hair to brown hair to-

And then one day I decided that I'm going to love myself.

Over the last year I've really pulled myself out that awful rut that I was stuck in, and I've worked hard on simplifying my life. I cut out the things that I knew were weighing me down (foods, projects, distractions, fake friends, and unfortunately even some family that I still love, but simply cannot let bring me down), and I started to focus on the things that make me happy, and make me feel like a good person.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again and again and again- until my voice is hoarse. I want to be a wonderful mother. I want to be the best mother to my babies. Not mother of the year, not better than so-and-so's mother, but- the best mother, to them.

I want to be a good wife. I want my husband to want to come home after work. I want him to love me, and love spending time with me. I want him to find happiness both with me, and without me. I want to accept that we don't agree on everything, and let the arguments slide. I want to grow old with him.

You know what I've wasted a lot of time on?? ...vanity. Haven't we all? And a few months ago, I just got sick of it. Sick of having to color my hair. Sick of having to pay for haircuts that I would come home and hate because I thought it made me look fat (because thats all that I saw). Sick of feeling the need to spend top dollar on products that would smooth away this frizz, or control that curl. And speaking of curls- how many hours of my life have I wasted blow drying, curling, and straightening?? Seriously- thats time that the bathroom mirror has gobbled up, that I'll never ever get back.

How do women do it?! I just don't understand!!

I found myself fascinated by pictures of women with dreadlocks. One picture in particular that I can remember- a mother sitting in a vintage floral patterned chair, the sunlight coming in through the window and bouncing off of her beautiful porcelain skin and long bleached locks- holding her baby in her lap, her arms wrapped tightly around him, while reading him a story. And I think it was the expressions on their faces that really made my heart sink. Something went off in my head, and it just felt right. That picture made me happy.

Over the next couple of days I became obsessed with the idea of it. I can't even tell you how many times I got lost in a search engine, bouncing from one picture to another. All of these women were so beautiful. Their faces were so soft, and I could almost feel their warmth coming through my screen. I felt such a strong connection to these women that I had never met, and knew nothing about. Maybe not a connection, but, a pull, of some sort?

I talked it over with Christopher. I weighed my pros and cons a million times. I did my research. And then we decided- its time to ditch the dyes, the products, the hassle... its time for me to get dreadlocks.

I waited. I waited and waited and waited. I didn't even so much as want to tell my best friend, because I didn't want to hear anyones reaction. Its kind of a big deal, right? I wanted time to just sit on the idea. I wanted to know that this is what I truly wanted. And as time went on, I colored my hair back to my natural color, I stopped using all of the products, I stopped blow drying and straightening- and one day after a shower I stared in the mirror, and something looked different.

Well first of all, I was seeing me, which is sometimes hard to look at, but something I need to do. The real me. Not a fake, made up version of myself. And second of all- "Christopher, what did I do to my hair to make it look like I have dreadlocks?".

Ummm... well I hadn't brushed it for 2 months, for starters, hah! My hair had taken the hint.

...And thats when I knew that this is what I really wanted. I hadn't originally planned on going the "neglect" route, so I painfully brushed the knots and tangles out, but- by that point I was craving my dreads so bad, I hated to look in the mirror at the old Tia, and I so badly wanted to see who I feel I really am.

Simplicity.

And then the whole seizure thing happened, and I knew I had to wait until after Dallas, because of all the electrodes they'd put on my head.

Well I'm back from Dallas now, so theres nothing in my way-

My bestie Alexis stepped up to the plate (again), and we spent hours and hours together, saying goodbye to all of the vanity issues that I've been wanting to shrug off of my shoulders, and when it was all said and done, I drove home from her house, stopped the car in the middle of the road for crossing deer, and layed down and went to sleep next to my amazing husband, knowing that things were just as they should be.

This is going to be a long journey. My version of beautiful might be different from theirs. But right now, in this moment- I feel beautiful.

Documenting My Diagnosis: Day 4

2011-10-06T08:52:00.004-05:00

I can't even tell you how sick of my electrode wires I am. I trip over them. I snag them on my IV site. I get them tangled up around my waist, my hair, and my other wires for other things that I'm getting sick of getting tangled up in. Electrodes- GO AWAY.

9:20: I just talked to Doogie Howser, and he thinks that my attacks are one of two things. Both being seizures. An epileptic type in the back of the head, or a non epileptic type.? We talked about whether or not this could all be related to imbalances in my blood (potassium, electrolytes, B12- Alexis and I have had too much time for googling), so to ease my mind he pulled up all of my blood work on the computer, and showed me just how "normal" I am. A picture of perfect health.

Sooo... now I'm trying to wrap my brain around the diagnosis that I might get later today, while at the same time holding back on jumping to conclusions, since they haven't said the actual words "you have this" yet. I'll know more when the team comes in, in about an hour, and maybe then I can start letting it settle.

For now I need to just listen to Alexis's shower water (lucky- I would do anything to clean the glue off my scalp), fight my heart pounding anxiousness, and hope that I get more cell phone pictures of my babies.

Side note: cooked green beans are a no go. At least the hospital version of them.

11:47: I just had an episode. I don't even know what Alexis and I were talking about, but she kept telling me to push the button (my seizure stick), and I didn't want to. And then when I finally did, the dang thing didn't even sound the alarm, so she had to come push it for me.

This time I was scared? That happens at home sometimes, where I just feel really scared, like a child almost. Only this time, Christopher wasn't here to comfort me. I curled up on my bed and cried lightly until it was over. And it was over really quickly, thank goodness, unlike the last 2 I've had here, which lasted for almost an hour each, off and on. But now I'm tired, and can't stop yawning. My face feels flushed.

A gal that reads my blog (Hi Rebecca!) had sent me an email saying that theres a raw vegan cafe right by the hospital, so we looked it up. Its only 5 miles away. The menu looks awesome, but when it comes down to it, I'm such a food snob, that I just don't want to risk the improper food combining, and pay $15 for 1/4 of the portion size that I'd normally eat. So we're going to make it a point to hit up whole foods on the way home (which might be tomorrow!). I haven't been to a whole foods in 6 years. Sad? ...I know.

3:12: ...I've been avoiding updating. I've kept my computer closed, and I've kept my camera off. I saw my team of doctors hours ago. I'm sitting here with a heated shampoo hat on, water dripping down from near my ears and forehead- my electrodes were painfully removed about 40 minutes ago. They've collected enough data.

I'm going home today.

I don't think that the words that I need to describe how I'm feeling, even exist.
Other than- get this damn glue off of my head, and get this needle out of my vein!

So I won't bother trying to find them. Not right now at least.

I just want to go home to my husband and my babies.
I need time to sort out my thoughts.

I'll find the courage to write about my new beginning soon, I hope. And until then, I'll do my best to keep a skip in my step and a smile on my face. I'm going home!!!

Documenting My Diagnosis: Day 3

2011-10-05T08:40:00.006-05:00

I slept in again. I don't normally sleep in at home, so this was the last time. Usually I only get 5 1/2, or maybe 6 hours of sleep (depending on if I fall asleep on the couch or not), so- tomorrow I'm setting an alarm. I can't be well rested on top of being a lazy ass sitting in this uncomfortable bed all day. Thats not my norm.

I slept better last night, but I was cold. I woke up at 2am to a guy freezing metal stuff to my head- not so pleasant. And then at 5am, I had to pee worse than I've ever had to pee in my life, and I was stuck to the bed! The tape from my wires had gotten wrapped in my hair and stuck to the sheet. And then I got wrapped up in the tails of my electrodes. And then, I was tripping over the cord to my leg wraps, which was tangled up with my tails, and- oh my God someone just get me to the toilet before I pee all over myself!!

9:00: One of the doctors and a student doctor just came in and talked to me a little bit about yesterdays episode. Alexis and I explained it to him, and he made little comments like "I don't quite know what that is, but-", and "well we'll have to take a look at that". So he hadn't reviewed any of my stuff yet, and just wanted to hear a little bit more about it before he sat down to see it. But again, I felt discouraged. I didn't want to hear him say "I don't quite know what that is", I wanted to hear him say "Oh thats this, and this is the cure, and heres your neatly pressed going home outfit, ta ta!". ...so now I wait patiently for the next few hours, hoping that when they review the video they see something familiar, and have an idea.

By the way, all of my blood work came back normal. Vegan diet, for the win!

Time for water and oranges. The highlight of my morning, I'm sure.

10:23: Okay I skipped out on the oranges this morning. I'll save those for lunch. I ate store bought bananas instead. Did I mention that they brought me a plate of gluten for breakfast? Whhhhy?

Its boring here. I keep getting up and trying to clean. But doing that means I have to untangle wires every 5 seconds. I carry around my electrodes in a little purse. My EKG readings keep messing up, so earlier they brought me a new bag. I actually like this bag a lot better.

...and see, I'm so bored, that this is way exciting for me. A new bag to carry my wires around in, yay!

11:14: I just took my first dose of medicine. ...2 pills in a little cup, that are maybe going to change my life.

See, I'm trying to be optimistic. Through my red puffy eyes, I'm trying to see things for what they are.

My team came into my room, and we got down to business. Nothing was picked up during my face numbness or blurred vision. No readings of any sort. Nothing visual, nothing on paper- which is kind of what I expected. And then we started talking about my evening episode...

Again, nothing was recorded on EEG, but this episode, the doctors agreed could have been a seizure. They had a more specific name for the type of seizure, but in the moment I didn't quite catch it. They didn't dumb it down enough for me.

And then they told me about the medicine they want to put me on. And I silently freaked out.

Why did I come here? To get a diagnosis? To seek treatment? ...so why is it that as soon as the doctors tell me what they think is really going on, and offer me a possible solution, I break down?

As soon as they left the room I turned into a sobbing mess.

But before they had left, I agreed to try the medicine. Because really, thats why I'm here. I'm here to take a step towards getting my life back. If this medicine works, than these attacks are seizures, which may or may not be epileptic. If it doesn't work, then its something else, and we try something else.

The doctor said its not migraines.

So I just took my first dose. And I'll take another dose tonight. If my symptoms go away, then we'll continue it. He said that its my choice whether or not to continue it after I leave. And this is what really got to me. This is the part that I struggled with. ...if these are seizures, and I have to take this medicine for the rest of my life- how will it effect my kids?

He said it might make me tired.

I have 3 kids. I have a lot to do in a day. How can I take care of the kids if all I want to do is sleep?

But then again- how can I take care of my kids if I'm having daily seizures?

So my brain is swirling with emotional distress. I called Christopher, who had pulled over at the visitor center on his way home from an adventurous search for organic gluten free soy formula, since hes just about out of my pre pumped breast milk, and we talked it out together. This is whats best for us- to try the medicine. To at least see if these are, or are not, seizures.

And then we'll go from there.

So today, for the rest of the day, I'll continue to do crazy things like get up and have a stand in place dance party to get my heart rate up. Alexis and I will laugh so loud that the nurses will have to come in and tell us to shut up because they can hear us down the hall (but nothing can be louder than the crazy guy last night that we feared was going to get loose and attack us with a plastic butter knife). And I'll accept things the way that they happen.

This medicine might not work. And if it doesn't, then we'll go from there.

Also, they just brought me a veggie patty on a great big wheat filled bun. I'm so glad they're getting the hang of this no gluten thing. Please, poison me.

And then they poked my finger and took my blood. Mean.

1:04: Its probably time to pump milk. ...I'm having a hard time functioning on the meds. They make me dizzy, and tired. Every time I move I lose my balance. This is the part that I was dreading. I almost feel worse? Be open minded, be open minded, be open minded.

Christopher is doing great at home. Still sending me pictures of the babies-

3:36: I just worked out for 50 minutes. My feet and calves are killing me. Jogging in place for that long sucks. I feel a little bit out of it now, but nothing too drastic. Maybe I'll get up and do it again in an hour, after I eat lunch #2. We watched the 40 year old virgin while I got my cardio on- we've been watching movie after movie after movie. I fell asleep last night during Weekend At Berney's. I've never seen it- which seems kind of un-American, now that I think about it. And because I fell asleep, I've still never seen it.

The room smells like pineapple. I can't get enough of it.

5:35: ...I was feeling great. Like, really great. I had high energy. No numbness, no nothing. After I worked out I was on top of the world- all smiles. ...and then I started to hear my breathing loudly through my left ear. ...and then the left half of my face went numb. ...and then my IV site in my left hand went numb. I avoided hitting my seizure button for as long as I could, thinking "I'll wait until something else happens", and then every time something else would happen, I'd just ignore it. And then I had a moment of weakness in my head, and gave in and pressed the dang button. They asked if I needed a nurse, I said "no, I just don't feel right", they said they're watching me closely, and thats that. All of my high energy is gone, I feel out of it, so I moved from my standing corner back to my boring bed, and now I'm messing up my words. I meant to say "seizure" and I said "ceasar". I messed up another word earlier- I don't remember what it was.

Isn't this about the same time of day yesterday that I crapped out? Well at least I've still got my speech today.

My bestie Kalii said shes going to play a song for me on her radio show (www.kpsu.com), so I'm tuned in and waiting. I can't wait to hear it. She hasn't even played it yet, and I'm crazy excited. What will it be, what will it be? When I listened to her radio show last week, it was just like talking with her on the phone. Her words flow naturally between songs.

Oh my God Kalii- I love you.

Here I am, feeling how you know I'm feeling, and then out of nowhere you play a song that shakes my heart to a stronger beat. Nothing could have been more perfect.

7:28: So more about that episode. I kept trying to pull myself out of it, by telling myself "you're playing it up, you know they're watching, you're doing this on purpose", but every time I'd tell myself that, I'd drift off and find myself staring at the wall again. Or I'd catch my head bobbing to the left side. And after an hour or fighting it, I started to think clearly enough to scoot my salad tray towards me, and within minutes of eating, I was better.

Seriously- it was that simple. I ate food, and I was better.

And we're not talking "oh I feel better, tra la la", but like- night and freakin' day. I was a completely different person.

I don't know that that was the case yesterday, but- my yesterday and my today were the exact same. I had my attacks right around the same time of day, they both lasted about 45 minutes, and my symptoms were all the same. Could I have some kind of a blood sugar thing? Could that be causing all of this? I've been tested for diabetes 100,000 times, so I know its not that, but- maybe something else?

Way to not work, seizure meds, by the way.

Hey, they didn't mess up my dinner!!

8:05: My babies just called me to say goodnight. It was precious.

8:23: All I want to do is skype with my husband, eat some organic gala apples, and watch the rest of Titanic until I fall asleep. Maybe tomorrow will be awesome??

Documenting My Diagnosis: Day 2

2011-10-04T08:14:00.004-05:00

I slept awful last night. I couldn't stretch my legs out all the way, and I had to sleep on my back, when I'm clearly a tummy sleeper. And of course, my husband wasn't with me, so that in itself was enough to keep my eyes from fluttering all the way closed.

I woke up around 7:30, so I guess I got to sleep in, which was nice, but unwanted. Christopher texted me just 2 minutes after I got up, so that was a good pick me up. I went pee, pumped breast milk, and then sat. They brought a tray of breakfast to me (even after talking with the dietician, they still can't seem to understand gluten free vegan- I won't be eating my cold biscuit this morning, thankyouverymuch), and now as I type this, a technician is doing maintenance to my electrodes. The glue is cold.

Did I mention that we brought a scentsy burner? Our room smells like apple strudel. I bet its driving everyone down the hall crazy. Yet nobody has mentioned it.

If I'm going to have an attack, its not going to happen like this. This isn't my normal- sitting doing nothing in a dark room all day. I need to get up and get moving (which is hard, because they won't let me so much as go pee by myself). We opened up the blinds as much as we could, and today I'm going to walk around my room. As soon as Alexis gets back from grabbing breakfast from the car (apples/bananas/oranges), I'm going to feast, and then get on my feet. And I'm going to stand up, all, day, long.

I heard a rumor that if my strobe/hyperventilation testing didn't show anything, that they keep you awake for 24 hours. We'll see about that. I think I should be talking to a doctor soon?

Its 8:20am. I'm cold and I miss the warmth of my babies. I'm hopeless yet determined. I'm ready for a breakthrough. I'm ready for something to happen.

...The doctor came in around 9:00 with no news. He asked about how I've been feeling, I told him bored, and then we talked about how I can trigger some of my symptoms- jumping jacks. Alexis and I are going to get our cardio on.

Also, I finally pooped. This is a big deal, people.

...Its 10:30- I just got done doing in-place cardio for half an hour while listening to forgotten 90s music. I'm drenched in sweat that I can't wipe from my electrodes, my face and neck are numb, and my chest hurts. FIND SOMETHING.

Did I mention that one of the nurses totally got a show last night when he walked in on my pumping milk? Nobody pays attention to closed curtains anymore. Oh well, not like hes never seen a pair of worn out saggy milkers before. ...can you tell I'm losing my elegance?

10:34: I just saw something that wasn't there. And there it was again. ...nurses and doctors just came in. They're noting my readings. What can I do to make my attack worse? How do I bring on the paralysis? We played scrabble, but our game sucked, so we bagged. Christopher is doing a rock star job of taking care of the kids at home. Hes been steaming fruits and veggies for Evelyn, as well as bottle feeding her my previously pumped breast milk (which I'm positive we're going to run out of if things keep going the way they're going here). He took all 3 to soccer practice last night, made dinner for everyone, gave them all baths. Today he walked them all to school, and then took the younger 2 to run errands. I asked him if he was trying to impress me, because seriously- men that do chores are sexy.

12:00: 4 doctors just came into my room, my "team" of doctors, I guess I could call them. And they told me that they haven't seen anything on my EEG. Nothing. Everything looks normal. ...my heart sank a little. Really, you didn't see anything yesterday after the hyperventilation test? To be fair, I haven't had a huge attack yet, no slurred speech, no forgetting what things are or how to talk, but- nothing? They asked me if I had any questions, and said they'll see me tomorrow. TOMORROW?! Isn't there something more you can do TODAY?! ...no? They're waiting for me to have a big attack. They're waiting to see something, rather than just hear me complain about it.

I feel hopeless. I know I shouldn't, and "hope is all we've got", and blah blah blah, but- I miss my husband, I miss my babies, and I'm sick and tired of having nurses that don't speak proper english come in and bring me food that I can't eat!

Seriously, where in the words gluten free vegan, can somebody get a chicken thigh and a bread roll. Why is this so hard to understand?!

I just feel exhausted. Mentally. I had it embedded in my brain, that I'd only be here for 3 days. I'd be going home on Wednesday or Thursday, I thought. And then I hear the doctors say "ok we'll see you tomorrow", and walk away, and- ugh. Just, a letdown.

Alexis has been awesome, though. She prepared me a giant vomit bucket (minus the vomit) of black grapes. And everytime someone comes into the room, they comment on the assortment of fruit that we've got. It baffles me how in a health facility, proper nutrition is so foreign.

On the plus side- I've got a decent day nurse today. She sent another note to the dietitian, and she speaks english.

I'm running out of things to take pictures of.

Is anybody even reading this? Mom? Nurse around the corner? God?

1:45: ...Alexis is a good friend. A true, honest to goodness, friend. We just had a good cry together.

2:20: I hate 1-ply toilet paper. Why does it even exist.

2:40: Our room is right by the landing pad. When the helicopter flies in, it looks like its going to crash into our room.

3:11: (whoa-ooooh). I just had my EKG strips ripped off of my chest, put onto my back, and reapplied to my chest. Also, the tech pulled out a good handful of hair, thats already falling out like crazy, while doing so. ...why is my hair falling out so badly, by the way?

My smooshed face sleepy babe. Oh how I miss her.

3:25: I'm about to open up my PSE, and then close them all as quickly as I can, in hopes that the flashing will trigger an attack. Because it did once? And I'm getting tired of sitting around waiting for my brain to fry from sitting around.

Elie got a purple dot at school :)

3:38: Alexis is asleep, and I'm mad that my pse experiment was a fail. What can I do now? My back is going numb, my face is numb, I'm tired tired tired, but- none of that shows up on the EEG, and none of that is visible to them on camera. Brain storm people, what can I do to bring on a little bit of slurred speech? I'd even settle for some head bobbing. Seriously, whats it gonna take to get my brain to skip a beat?

4:00: I miss home so much, I'm spying on their netflix history. Today Charlie watched a Thomas movie called "Mud, Glorious Mud". ..and Christopher watched A LOT of The Office, haha.

Some cell phone pictures that Christopher has sent me throughout the day...

9:19: I crapped out big time. It lasted 45 minutes to an hour. I kept losing my thoughts, and my memory. I could hold a real time conversation, for the most part, but I kept forgetting what I had just said, and sometimes it caught up to me so quickly, that I couldn't figure out the next word that I wanted to say. I looked around the room, and silently tried to name objects. I'd usually get 2 or 3 objects in, and find myself staring blankly at the wall. I'd try to pull out of it, by asking Alexis to talk with me, but I always ended up trailing off and staring at the same spot on the wall that I couldn't quite pull my eyes away from. There was only a brief moment of slurred speech, and a couple of lung jolts that sounded like I was laughing, but it was mostly just confusion. I remember trying so hard to remember mine and Christopher's wedding. "Wedding, wedding, wedding, wedding", I repeated to myself. But all I could picture was a photograph of our wedding. I couldn't find the actual memory. I never got past the still shot.

We won't have the EEG readings until tomorrow. And even then, I have low expectations. I don't think they're seizures, so I'm expecting that nothing showed up. But- I did have nurses witness it, and its all on camera, so they'll at least see what they're dealing with, and hopefully they've seen it before.

After it all wore off and my brain settled back down to normal, we sat down for an epic game of UNO and ooh'd and aaah'd at the Dallas sunset.

Maybe tomorrow we'll have a few more answers? Or maybe we won't.

But either way...

Girls just wanna have fun.

Documenting My Diagnosis: Day 1

2011-10-03T20:31:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 3am this morning. Feeding the baby was all sorts of depressing, knowing how hard it would be for her later in the day when she had to take Daddy's bottle instead of Mama's- I snuggled her tight and brushed her face with my fingers- she pushed me away and sleep suckled.

By 3:45 I was showered and on my way down the stairs. I had wondered if maybe I should use actual hair products, and maybe try to straighten my hair- would that help things at the hospital? In the end I decided not to, they should be able to sort through my dreading locks just fine, in order to find the sweet spots on my scalp.

Christopher had made a couple quarts of orange juice for Alexis and I, and scrambled to collect scrabble and suitcases with me. We had a few last minute hugs, he ran my phone down the driveway to me as we were pulling off without it, and in the dark of the early morning hours- we were off.

An hour or so later we stopped to fix the GPS. We ended up going inside, and I'm so dissapointed I left my camera in the car, because boy did that place have some treats for us. Not only was the bathroom totally trashed, with dirty femenine napkins decorating the floors, but there was a huge display of Sasquatch big sticks (and it was only 2 aisles down from the gas station Disney decor)! ...I'll let you use your imagination.

After hours and hours of driving, and talking about ghosts, horror movies, and budgets- we started merging into heavier traffic and seeing the city lights below the sunrise.

And then long story short, we were there.

It was no nonsense from the moment we hit the 8th floor. I didn't even have a chance to take a picture of the front desk- they swept me off to my room without even so much as asking to see an ID. They had blood pressure cuffs and a hospital gown on me before I could even go pee. This place means business.

And while Alexis and I were still in silly road trip girl time mode- the doctors and nurses were not.

They talked to me about my symptoms, and mine and my family's health history. They asked me about various kinds of anxiety, asked if anyone in my family had ever MS or epilepsy, and did a quick physical examination. ...lather rinse repeat.

At one point I had 4 doctors in my room at once. And I was intimidated.

I have to be honest though- I feel a little discouraged. I hate the way that the doctors talk down to me. Its not so bad here, there were just a few moments today where they made me feel like my condition wasn't very serious (and I'm trying to keep in mind that they see some pretty dramatic seizure activity day in and day out, and to them, maybe I'm no big deal), and I kind of wanted to just turn around and leave. Example: when they'd ask me a question about how I handle bright lights, and I told them about how things flash at me, and they cut me off to say something else, without even writing down a note about my inability to focus in a room with stripes. But oh well, they know what they're doing, right?

The next part sucked...

I almost didn't want to post these, because I know how awful I look. But its kind of crutial to the documentary, sooo- that.

Remember when I thought that I should have maybe done my hair, so that they could actually brush through it? ...yeah should have done that. She tore through my rats nest with a comb, twisted my hair up into some awesome 90s style Gwen Stefani buns, and then scrubbed and glued and blow torched discs of metal and wire to my scalp, over and over and over again.

The glue had ether in it, and the smell was making me die- so Alexis shoved a scentsy bar under my nose. I inhaled deeply in between breath holds, all while clenching my eyelids closed tightly, and doing my best to ignore the constant tugging and rude comments about my hair falling out and lack of hair brushing skills.

They drew blood, and then gave me an IV (he nailed it the first stick). They brought me soggy spinach and overcooked frozen carrots, after 100 questions about the mythical vegan diet, and then I got another visit from one of the doctors.

And then it was flu vaccine time. ...sure, why not.

Next up: try to trigger seizures.

Strobe lights with my eyes closed, strobe lights with my eyes open. Flashing flashing flashing. And then hperventalating, and lots of it. Somewhere around the 2 minute mark I crapped out. I couldn't breathe anymore, and felt like I was passing out. The tech over the intercom encouraged me to keep breathing, and I kept trying, but couldn't quite get it back. During the 15 minutes of rest and observation afterwards I felt awful. Eyes twitching, body heavy, wide awake dreaming- all sorts of awesomeness.

I can't tell if it was some kind of reaction from the over abundance of oxygen, some kind of anxiety attack, or an actual seizure event. I won't know until the doctors review my readings tomorrow.

Either way: it sucked.

But then there were grapes and vibrating leg things, so- its not all bad here.

I'm starving, by the way. And embarrassed to report that we spent $14 on steamed vegetables from the cafateria, since the kitchen doesn't seem to understand gluten free vegan, according to the graham crackers, white bread, and reheated freeze dried potato flakes brought to me on a tray this evening.

The view from my window...

Maybe tomorrow will be awesome. For both me, and Christopher and the kids back at home (who are doing exceptionally well).

I love you and I miss you honey.

I've got milk to pump, and a girl movie to watch...

Documenting My Diagnosis: An Introduction

2011-10-02T20:14:00.009-05:00

I'll never forget the moment that it dawned on me that something was wrong. I had been sitting at the computer desk, half of my toes on my left foot numb, catching my head every couple of seconds when it would randomly yet rhythmically bob backwards. I stood up and walked into the kitchen, poured myself a glass of water, took a deep breath and asked across the room to my husband "do parts of your body ever go numb for no reason?".

The conversation drifted from numbness, to sharp pains, to heat and cold intolerance, to stomach cramps, to blind spots, to slurred speech, to yadda yadda yadda...

Its time to get help.

I called the base clinic and made an appointment. I saw a doctor who sent me to a doctor who couldn't help me, who sent me back to the doctor that sent me to him, who sent me to another doctor, who promised to help me and then didn't, and then sent me back to the base doctor. I took multiple trips to the ER for paralysis, for passing out, for forgetting who I was. Nobody could help me. They all sent me home.

Finally I got fed up with the medical bosses giving me the run around, and I had a complete breakdown. I cried, and I got mad, and I went absolutely crazy- kicking and scraming may or may not have been present. While most of my friends and family had been supportive of my "condition", for lack of a better word- others were angry with me for not accepting the pills that the doctors had offered me (for migraine headaches and anxiety- without having given me a real diagnosis or any information on what they thought it was that I had), and then everything got so overwhelming, that I went to my husband and I begged him to help me. I needed his help. I needed him to take control, and I needed him to argue with the ladies on the phones in the offices that I would eventually be sent to and pushed aside and ignored.

And so he did.

He called the clinic, to where I had been seen several times already, with the idea of "if they won't help her, I'll take it to the shirt" (the shirt is an air force guy that gets shit done when it needs to be done), and the next thing I know we've got a double slot appointment booked for later in the week, one thing led to another, and now I'm being sent to an epilepsy center 3.5 hours away.

The reality of my going hadn't sunk in until tonight, while I was packing. I was folding up my stack of pajama pants- I won't be taking any shirts, since I have to wear a hospital gown- and the kids were bouncing about around me, being loud and having fun and trying to mess up my freshly made bed, and... this is real.

I've had Xrays, blood draws, MRIs, CTAs, EEGs, EKGs, and a freakin' spinal tap. All with "normal" results. And you guys, I know I'm not crazy.

Random parts of my body go numb. A few toes at a time, the left half of my face, or when I was walking home from my daughters school the other morning, the outer parts of both legs, from the knees to the ankles. I have no feeling in most of my back, just an itchy numbness and sometimes burning like tingle.

Things flash at me. Mini blinds during the daytime when the light is coming through them, the kids patterned play mat on the floor at nighttime, and black font on white paper. But never when I look directly at them, only out of the corners of my eyes.

Things jump at me, out of the corner of my eyes. A spot on the wall thats been there for an hour, will suddenly jump into my vision and knock me on my ass, because I think a giant spider is crawling beside me, when really its just a speckle of wall texture, the same speckle thats been there beside me for the last hour, but my eyes are just now picking up on.

I see a single star flash, in the same part of my left eye. Sometimes its a black spot, or a blurry spot, but its always in the same area, in the same eye.

I lose my speech. In two different ways. Sometimes my brain goes blank, I forget where my sentance was going, and I just can't talk, because I can't remember what I was going to say. Or sometimes my speech literally leaves me, and when I try to talk, it comes out a slurred stroke like mess.

I forget what things are. My brain puts up a wall, and while I'm seeing things and looking at them, I just have no idea what they are. I don't know my name, I don't know what a flower is, I can't tell you what a car is, I just see... things.

I get things backwards. Sometimes its just a brief moment of dislexia, or sometimes its more serious, like a half an hour of wrong way directions while driving, landing me on the opposite side of town, without a clue as to where I am, screaming because I think my mother in law has just driven us onto a one way street going the wrong way, trying to open doors from the wrong side, or even twisting up my words outloud.

Sometimes I say something other than what I read. I'll read "the cat walked left", but say outloud "the car went away".

Sometimes my eyes twitch. They'll either jerk really quickly to the left and back, usually when I'm trying to concentrate on something, or they'll flutter back into my head as if a string is pulling them to sleep.

I've lost consciousness. This has happened both while driving, and while sitting on the couch. Its always brief, and can be mild, where I know whats going on while its happening, to severe, a total blackout.

My face flushes. Only on one side, the left side (everything is on the left side). My cheek and my ear will turn red, and burn. My skin will get so hot, that my temperature at the doctor read 106.

Sometimes my lips tingle or buzz. Almost like someone is holding a poking them with electricity.

I was going to sleep one night, my husband said something to me, I think it was the word "sorry", and then in a voice other than his, the word was repeated back to me, loudly in my left ear. My brain repeated it me. ...I was afraid to go to sleep upstairs for 2 months.

I hear my breathing and my heartbeat through my left ear. This comes and goes, but never goes for long.

Sometimes regular sounds are replaced with loud screechings and banging sounds. The toilet flushing sounds like an explosion. The kids talking sounds like claws on a chalkboard.

I have brief loss of muscle control in either my neck, back, or left leg. Any one of those body parts will lose strength and drop at any time. And it always happens in a sequence. Sometimes only twice in a row, sometimes 10 times in a row. My leg will drop while I'm walking, and I have to catch myself from falling. This happens when I'm standing doing the dishes, walking with my kids down the street, or coming down the stairs (which has been dangerous). When my neck gives out, my eyes go with it. My head drops and falls backwards, or forwards. Sometimes its slight, and sometimes its so bad that my chin has hit my chest. The one time my back gave out, I was sitting on my knees, looking at my computer on the kitchen counter, and my body collapsed. It was so drastic that I thought I was going to hit the floor, and was afraid to move for the next few minutes. It happened again, immediately after, but not as bad.

Cold/heat intolerance. If I get cold, nothing can warm me up. Eating or drinking something cold results in my wearing winter gear for the next 2 hours. I've been known to be under 5 blankets in 80 degree heat, because I thought it would be fun to drink some lemonade with ice in it. If I go outside in the heat, I turn into a vegetable and don't return to normal until I've cooled down completely.

One time when I was trying to sleep, it felt as if somebody took my head and slammed it down onto concrete. The absolute worst pain I've ever felt. I saw a bright flash of light, and my entire body jerked.

...and this is my life. This is my life every day.

Some days are better than others, and those days are more often than not, now that I've quit exercising and driving, but- I just really need answers, and maybe even treatment, ya know?

So now I'm packing all the lounge pants that I've got in my closet, stuffing them into a suitcase with my laptop, breastpump, and scrabble, leaving my children and husband behind, and driving with one of my closest friends from Dyess to Dallas, to be hooked up to 31 electrodes and have my every move watched, for 3-14 days.

We've talked to a very helpful woman (several times, thanks to glitches in all systems everywhere), and shes given me the go ahead to bring my camera. I plan to document as much of it as I can. Not only for me, but for my husband back home who will be worrying himself sick, and for my Mom and Grauntie on the west coast, who maybe aren't on the best terms with me, but I know still care, and for my Grammy, and for my best friend, and for anyone else that might have fallen interested over the last year and a half since I first started reporting symptoms.

But mostly I'm doing it because I need to.

Lets be honest, y'all. I'm terrified.

I've never been away from my babies for more than 3 hours, and here I am going off to live in a hospital for days, maybe even weeks, with a whole world of unknown ahead of me.

Keep your fingers crossed, say a prayer for strength (if not for me, then for my husband), or send all of the positive vibes your magic crystals can conjur. We're going to need it.

But I'm really going to miss that while I'm away.

I'll post again tomorrow, with lots of pictures of medusa wires and eeg readings :)

For more information on the epilepsy monitoring unit at Parkland hospital, please click here.

Giraffes, A Soccer Boo Boo, and Watching Stripes Alone While My Husband Sleeps At My Feet

2011-09-30T21:40:00.005-05:00

A couple of unedited pictures from our day...

We spent the morning at the zoo. Evelyn on my back in the ergo, Charlie walking hand in hand with Daddy.

There were giraffes with crazy tongues, talking snakes, and swirly tailed Rios. Also, a field trip full of 5th graders.

I saw a bobcat on the way home.

Evelyn wore a tutu today. I wore pajama pants?

Eleanore got a gold star at school, a bag of rocks from her brother, and a care bears hat from her bff.

Alexis and Wednesday played in the shade with us, while seesaw's boyfriend napped in the backseat. You snooze you lose. ... and there was talk of dinner parties and ghost paintings.

Eleanore showed off her soccer boo boo in the yard. Later on we pinned her down in the kitchen and pulled a branch out of her knee.

Tomorrow we start the documentary of my diagnosis. Sunday, maybe a movie date? And when Monday gets here, a road trip to the beginning of my recovery.

A Special Lunch Date

2011-09-29T14:28:00.003-05:00

Charlie is having a hard time adjusting to all of the changes that have taken place in our lives recently. The biggest change of them all, the one that breaks his little 2 year old heart day in and day out- is that his big sister, his very best friend, his "seesaw"- leaves him every single morning, and goes away to that unknown wonder known to most of us as school.

But lucky for our sad faced lonely little Charlie, hes met a new friend, a whole heap of new friends actually, just in time to take the place of his missing routine playmate.

Thomas, Percy, James, Toby... won't you join us for lunch today?

Well it looks like only Percy and Thomas were in attendance this time 'round, but surely the rest of the gang will be able to play with us afterwards. Whether they're chugging up the stairs, shunting toys back into their bins, or hauling new favorite blankets from the couch to the bedroom- Charlie's new friends never let him down.

And they don't ever leave him for kindergarten.

Plus they all really like grapes and bananas, so- this friendship just can't really go wrong.

Hot Air Balloons And Pajamas

2011-09-26T14:03:00.002-05:00

While we weren't able to make either one of the festival balloon glows this year, we were able to make a sunrise launch, even if only 1 of the balloons had decided to take windy flight that morning.

So even though we didn't get to see a sky filled with colorful balloons, the kids got to play in their baskets, visit with the prairie dogs, and build sand castles with friends in an unfamiliar playground.

We hope there is a hot air balloon festival at our next base. Because we'll sure miss the tradition of this one.

Evelyn's Ponytail

2011-09-21T13:15:00.003-05:00

During my surgery, I called out in wonder "is she a girl?!", as they tugged and pulled on my numbed up belly. ...And I'll never forget my doctors response.

"Yeah, shes a girl! And shes got a shitload of blond hair!".

Blond? No... wrong baby, sorry. You must have grabbed the wrong one while you were in there. Don't sew me up until you've gotten your babies straight. My babies have brown hair.

Well, no, he was right. Sort of. It was the right baby, but- that blond hair was actually red.

And now all of that beautiful red hair fits into a cutesie little whale spout ponytail.

Go, Number 26! And Confessions Of A Sucky Mom.

2011-09-15T10:20:00.003-05:00

Charlie is down for a nap, Evelyn is chasing a little rubber ball across the house, from one end and back again, and I'm soaking up all of the sugar cookie scentsy that my nostrils can handle, in between nose blows and sips of water. Its been a long morning. But I got the first round of dishes done before we headed off to school, so at least that was out of the way. I'll be really glad when they finally replace our busted dishwasher for a working one.

Enough of my chitter chatter though.

Have I mentioned how I'm a soccer Mom?

Because I totally am.

Eleanore has practice twice a week, and games on Saturdays. Her practice is just down the street, at the youth center here on base. Her games though, are clear across town at a giant multi field soccer center. Not like, 3 or 4 fields, but like- hundreds. That place is insane.

Her first game was last Saturday. YAY ELIE! She did so great.

But let me chime in and break up the hurrah for a moment of honesty- in the beginning I was disappointed in my daughter. I was being an awful selfish Mom, who was heartbroken when her daughter just watched the ball roll past her, instead of going after it and scoring a goal. I sigh'd every time she fell behind, and I got frustrated every time she ignored me when I explained the game to her. I, was, mad. And it wasn't fair of me. And I know that. And I suck. And I'm sorry.

But between running around the field taking pictures through the clouds of soccer blown dust, and sitting beside the other parents on the hot tin bleachers who were cheering on their kids, I realized something: Eleanore is a rock star. ...Okay, so shes maybe not a soccer rock star, but- a rock star nonetheless.

I'm about to put this next part in bold, and make it all huge, because while it didn't take me long to figure it out, I'm embarrassed that I ever thought otherwise at all: She tried.

Her version of trying wasn't exactly what I had imagined in my head when we initially signed up- she wasn't running after goals, or trying to steal the ball from the other team- heck I don't think she even kicked it once, except for when the coach handed it to her, but- she was trying. It was 100 degrees or more out on that field, and she never once gave up. She ran in the same direction as the other girls, she followed the rules of not using her hands, and she played.

Soooo, maybe shes not cut out to be a soccer champion (neither was I, and neither was Christopher), but she stuck through it, and never once called it quits.

And for that, I am overwhelmed with pride.
I'm ready to be the Mom that rocks the tacky soccer sticker on the back of the mini van now, k thanks.

On with the show...

So excited to head off to the fields- she never smiles at the camera like that.

Gettin' all geared up.

Stretching out. We don't want any pulled hamstrings, do we?

Running out onto the field to start the game! How exciting is this?!

Aaaand, this was 2 seconds later after she fell and got grass burned.

All 3 of the girls holding hands, getting ready to battle with the pink team!

Note: the teams are larger than 3 girls, but to make it easier on them, they split the teams up and had 2 games going on either side of the bleachers. Confusing? Yeah a little.

This was our field. It was pretty awesome when the clouds started rolling in.

Evelyn was there, and she was mad.

Yeah yeah, and so was Charlie.

And me too (being there, I mean, not mad), hiding behind my camera like always, while simultaneously getting all sorts of stupid sun burnt.

Oh! Oh! Its Elie's turn to kick the ball in! Goooo Elie! *shouted obnoxiously with hands cupped around mouth*

Getting coached.

Picking her nose.

Playing with dirt.

They had water breaks in between quarters. Poor kids were melting out there.

But no matter how hot it got, they toughed it out.

And eventually the game was over, and they all got to line up and do that "good game, good game" thing.

And then, snack!

Heck yes, little girl. Eat that fruit!

Did I mention that they lost?

Right, thats because this girl on the other team, was a very well coordinated ball hogger. I swear she was at least 7, psh.

And having people pose for pictures isn't really my thing, but- turn around and SAY CHEESE!

The walk back to the car with your Dad is always something special.

Goodnight soccer fields- we'll see ya next week.

Go team!

Noni Comes To Visit: The Buffalo Gap Historical Village

2011-09-14T14:03:00.003-05:00

Ok, now I realize that this is going to be a crazy whirlwind of picture overload, and I'm completely okay with that, but- lately my brain is having a hard time finding the words to go along with my pictures (and memories), so things in this entry are a little bit opposite. Rather than a few pictures with the story to go with them, I'm letting the pictures tell the story themselves.

And can I just add real quick, that the Buffalo Gap Historical Village is absolutely my new favorite place to totally geek out at? Becaaaause- yes.

And cut me some slack on the lack of editing? I've been busy juicing oranges and attending soccer games :)

Yep, so that was that.

September 11th

2011-09-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't know anybody that was involved directly with the September 11th attacks. I'm not sure I even know anybody that was involved indirectly. But I remember where I was on the morning that it happened, I think about the devastation every year as it approaches and passes, and my heart aches strongly for all of the 9/11 victims and their families.

Charlie doesn't know a thing about terrorists, or tragedy. All he knows is trains, trucks, and tra la la. And thats how it should be. ...but someday he will know. They'll all know. Because I can't protect him in this safe bubble that I've created forever.

But I want to.

Anyways- I remember.

Noni Comes For A Visit- Part 1

2011-09-07T13:20:00.003-05:00

Its been a long and exciting weekend. ...Oh, its Wednesday? Well it feels like Monday.

Christopher had Friday off of work, so he walked Eleanore to school with me, followed by some house cleaning and babysitting. The hot weather dropped about 20 degrees, so of course we spent hours and hours outside, whether there were chores to be done or not. My mother in law flew in the next day, all the way from Boise, and arrived sometime in the evening. The first night was a blur, but I know that food documentaries and story tellings were involved. ...and maybe we all 3 fell asleep on the couch.

I have no idea what happened on Sunday. Maybe I snuck away to visit a friend for an hour or two, while Mother and Son visited with each other. Maybe there were shopping trips to the grocery store. Its all kind of a blur (isn't it always?).

On Monday I managed a sunrise photo shoot in the freezing cold (60 degrees requires a winter jacket, for those of us acclimated to the 105 degree afternoons), just before the family and I scurried off to the Buffalo Gap Historical Village (which is a whole nother post all in itself). The rest of the afternoon was spent relaxing, watching silly Jackie Chan movies and snacking on grapes, and then staying up late watching I-forget-what, because again, I fell asleep.

It turns out that Noni had gotten an extra day off, so instead of going home on Tuesday, she helped me walk Eleanore to school, toured her classroom, and kept me company running around town all day long, stopping to hunt for thrift store treasures, return broken lava lamps, and then later in the evening spending more time with her son, collecting last minute school supplies, and feasting on the best darn green salad dressing that ever did exist.

Maybe that last run on paragraph sentence didn't make much sense?

A few pictures from Sunday ...

Eleanore and Noni became good friends instantly. They bonded over chalk, hearts, and rainbows.

Christopher looked under the hood of my car ;)

There was beam balancing, racing, laughing, and falling.

Beautiful driveway art.

Reflections, clouds, and sunset gas tanks.

Scooter riding. Always, scooter riding.
Its a way of life.

And at the end of the night, new friendships had been made to last forever and ever.

To be continued...

Elie's Playing Soccer!

2011-08-29T21:07:00.003-05:00

Tonight is quiet. I'm sitting at the dining room table, a grey Air Force hoodie pulled over my head (because I'm right under the air conditioner), reflecting upon the many wonderful changes that are currently taking place in our lives.

Something cool that happened tonight, was- Eleanore started playing soccer.

We've been nervous about this day since we signed her up. Its not that we don't have faith in her, its just that, well- Elie is kind of lazy.

Running, bike riding, walking, anything that uses her muscles... she just doesn't like to do it.

But Christopher and I vowed to push her (in every way possible). Not give in to her couch potato tendancies, not give her the option to watch tv as soon as the going gets tough, but instead, kick her butt out of the house and encourage her to move that beautiful body that God gave her.

So today we hit the field!

High of 105 degrees, but that didn't stop us!

Luckily there was a nice layer of cloud cover though, so the sun wasn't nearly as brutal as it normally is. We sat down on the bleachers with our back towards the playing field, got all geared up in our fancy new pink nike shin guard socks (I say we, but I really mean she), and went and met our new teammates!

Okay well Charlie climbed the benches and played "help me I'm falling" over and over again, while sister went and mingled with her new soccer friends.

She was so excited to be standing out there. So proud. She stood tall, and mostly with her hands behind her back (because you can't use them!). Every few minutes she'd look over and wave wildly, so excited to see us, as if we had just showed up.

They started the girls off with kicking the ball back and forth to each other. There were plenty of times when Eleanore was too busy watching her neighbors ball, that the ball that was kicked to her, went flying past her, and just kept on rolling.

Christopher and I sat back and narrated what we imagined she was saying. I had to stop myself multiple times from shouting instructions at her. Things like "now kick it!", and "watch what you're doing! Watching your ball!". ...just let it go Mama, shes got a coach to do that!

Charlie continued to play in the stands, while Evelyn happily chewed on and tossed around my lens cap. Christopher cheered on his little girl every other kick, never having been so proud.

After a little bit, Charlie couldn't stand the confinement anymore, and had to get in on the action. It didn't take long for him to find a ball, and a buddy.

Out on the dead grass, Eleanore was learning how to kick the ball into the goal. She did it her first try, by the way (so proud!).

Pretty awesome, right?

When he realized that his new buddy was a little bit older than him and maybe a little more advanced in his game, Charlie wandered off onto a hill that he had found, and raced with the clouds.

All of the kicking and running and not using her hands filled Elie's cheeks with a flush that only a good stretch and some cold water could cure.

(And I was there too, hiding behind either the baby or the camera)

Soon practice was over. Charlie had run up and down 2 different hills until his feet went limp, Evelyn used my lens cap as a frisbee until it got buried in the dirt, and Eleanore had learned some really awesome fundamentals for a game that we hope will be a big part of her growing up.

Now I know that face might look like a mean face, with its not so pleasant nose wrinkles and cranky eyes, but- thats actually the face of a really worn out little girl, who can't wait to get home and eat a giant green salad, take a bath, and play with the watering can that she hasn't been able to stop talking about all day (thanks Alexis).

What a little rockstar, she is. To us, at least.

Don't worry, younger siblings- your days of youth sports superstardom are well on their way.

This post has been brought to you by Grammy and Gpa Hillis- Eleanore's number one fans :)

Buried Treasure

2011-08-27T10:54:00.003-05:00

I cleaned out the laundry room last weekend, and amidst that, uncovered our old CD collection. Christopher moved the pile from the floor below the canned goods shelf, to the kitchen table- and there they've sat all week long.

I'll get around to sorting through battered MxPx jewel cases later.

But yesterday as I was passing by, I noticed a familiar shape resting on the top, so stopped to take a peek.

A mixed tape.

Remember the days of mixed tapes? Rewinding, fast forwarding, and flipping sides. And having the time, to put them together?

Christopher must have made this one for me when we lived in our old Apartment on Morrison St in Portland. We had a big stereo in our sunken living room, next to our giant fluffy seated retro curved sectional, where I imagine him standing in his tight jeans and blue zip up hoodie, pressing record every couple of minutes, while he sifted through old magazines that we had gotten from the bins.

We were awesome back then, in a way similar to our awesomeness now, only, maybe with a little bit more energy and style to our stagger.

Look at the date on the top of the play list. It says 1/26/06. Which means this mix tape was for no particular reason. And I guess thats what makes it so awesome. Gifts when given on holidays, especially from boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/whatever, are expected, and therefor hold a little less meaning.

But this was a just-because present. I don't remember him giving it to me, but after picking it up in my hands, I remember listening to it. And I remember all of the details of everything around me that played along with the lyrics to each and every track.

Velour track suits. Coffee people and Steph's house. Scrabble, scrabble, scrabble. Halloween lights year round, Coheed and Cambria on repeat because nothing else ever fit the mood the way they did. The windshield wipers being more constant than anything else in our lives, smoked salmon cream cheese on asiago cheese bagels from the Zupans across the street, and working minimum wage jobs during the day, and coming home to each other at night.

Mix tape = happy Tia.

hey there sleepy smile

2011-08-24T21:43:00.004-05:00

While everything has been about big sister Eleanore for the past couple of weeks, first her 5th birthday and then starting school- this afternoon I had a very sweet moment with the younger babies.

The house was quiet for a very short while, just long enough for Charlie and Evelyn to fall asleep, allowing me to juice 3 bags of grapes, make a lunch smoothie, and clean up the mess. I swear, as soon as I finished my last delicious gulp of fruit blend, I heard Evelyn's beautiful baby babbles sing matter of factly down the hallway at me.

So up I went.

And our moment we had.

Standing there in her crib like such a big girl, laughing and squealing with delight at the sight of my face and the sound of my voice.

Miss Babykins- good morning to you!

And then a few minutes later, two doors down, an awkward snore coming from Brother's room hightened my senses. So I went to take a peek...

He sat up for a brief moment, rubbed his eyes, mumbled something about Doc Hudson (because he found his missing friend in Mommy's never-ever-used accessory case, which apparently doubles as a parking garage), and in the short moment that I turned my back to check on baby sister who was still talking to herself back in our bedroom- he had fallen back down onto his comfortable mattress, and back into a semi deep sleep. More mumbling. More snoring.

Boy how I wish I could have joined him.

For the past few weeks, and especially this last one, its been non stop go go go for me. From 5am, before the sun mind you, until I crash with a face full of pillow around 10:00 at night.

I, am, tired.
And lazy. I don't have time to edit photos and make them pretty anymore- I'm surprised I even have the energy to resize them.

But gosh, those perfect moments, with puffy eyed babies hugging little toy cars, and gap toothed red heads wearing crib rumpled tutus...

Its all worth it.
goodnight.

Eleanore's First Day Of Kindergarten

2011-08-22T18:01:00.004-05:00

Today was a very important day. One for our family history book.

Our lives changed today.

Big time.

We woke up bright and early this morning, the same way that we have been for the past 2 weeks. Only today was different. Today was the real deal.

Today, Eleanore started Kindergarten.

Yep, shes a Jet. ...and how cool is it that there is an actual airplane in front of her school?

We got there a little bit early, just in case there was some uncertainty or nervousness from the star pupil. Shes never been away from us, after all.

While waiting for the doors to open, and the other students to arrive, we found a fun pyramid thing in front of the main entrance to climb.

And we also found some friends.

Elie ran into her friend Ryan, so together they walked down the hallway to their classroom, stopping along the way to play with hallway decor and make funny faces while wearing silly cat shirts.

When we got to room number 8, there we found a cozy little seat with an Elie name tag and a cute little tub of play dough.

Now keep in mind- we don't do playdough here in the house, so this was pretty much like Christmas.

"You don't do playdough?! What?!"

Its not that we're really lame parents, even though I guess we kind of are then, its that play dough is a gluten party, and this house is wheat free.

I know, I know, you can make gluten free play dough with rice flour or whatever, and we have before, the peanut butter kind, but- its just not anything that we've kept around. Shame on me.

But so anyways- Elie has her playdough, and she was content.

I somehow snuck in a photo or 2 before losing all contact with my little school zombie.

The more she got into her play dough, the more I could see that I was no longer needed. So I took a few steps back, and took my camera on a quick tour of my immediate surroundings before the teacher kicked me out. I was the annoying lingering Mom that should have left half an hour ago.

A tired baby sister sitting alone near the wall. ABC's and 123's. A projection screen with instructions for the parents, which I didn't end up reading until I got home and saw them on my tiny camera screen (sorry Elie, for forgetting to sign in your lunch box!).

Ok, but just one more of my once-was-baby before I go.

K. There. I'm done.
Fine.

And did I mention that shes got a freakin' airplane in front of her school? Becaaaauuuse-

yeah.

So Charlie and Evelyn and I walked home alone, leaving big sister behind us with all of her new classmates and their song singing and project playing. It wasn't until we walked in the front door of the house, that I realized how lost I was.

...so um... what do we do now? ...do you want, food? do we eat now? Or...

Fast forward through a play date for Charlie and Evelyn, and a lunch date for me, and before we knew it- the whole house was swept, the babies were napped, and we were on our way back down to Dyess Elementary to pick up our missing puzzle piece.

I won't go into awful details about the sunburns on the back of my legs, but lets just say that, tomorrow we'll be armed with sunblock, the stroller, and hats. 45 minutes in the brutal triple digits took hours to recover from. Who knew that a walk from the car to the classroom would have freckled us all in heat rash and knocked us flat on our asses.

But at the end of the day, our strong willed little princess came out of the hallway smiling, singing songs about sharks and fishes, repeating cute lil' sayings like "criss cross applesauce", and explaining to me allll about the squares on the carpet that they sit in, allll about how she has to stop eating her snack when the teacher tells her to, and alllll about being a grape/celery/carrot in gym class.

There are no words, to describe how proud of her I was today.

I'll remember your first day of school forever, Miss Eleanore. And I hope you will too.

Happy 5th Birthday, Eleanore Sue

2011-08-17T03:00:00.003-05:00

Its the night before your birthday. You're upstairs, snuggled tightly underneath your pink fluffy Hello Kitty comforter, probably humming "I Care For You" from the Carebears movie, while you rock yourself on your hands and knees back and forth.

5 years ago, I was pulling an all nighter, in an attempt to sleep through the next day, to be well rested for my induction the day after. But right about now, only then, my water broke, as I was laying in my large empty bed, since Daddy lived in the dorms on the Air Force Base down the road, just passing the time, watching music videos and reality tv shows.

It took me awhile, to give in and go to the hospital. I had had a false alarm before, and didn't want to go to through the embarrassment of a late night practice run again. After sending text messages to my then-neighbor, and your Daddy, I was convinced to go in. And even after I got there, it took them quite a while to identify what they were looking for, and admit me.

My labor with you was intense. It started light, and I remember thinking "this feels just like menstrual cramps, I can totally do this". When things weren't progressing on their own, the doctors gave me a little push in the form of pitocin, and 12 hours later I was begging for an epidural. Out of all 3 of my kids, that was the only real labor that I had gotten to feel, though- Those first few hours with yours. And while it was disgusting and I remember wishing above all, that the amniotic fluid that kept pouring out would just cool it down a notch- I wouldn't change the realness of it for anything in the world. Compared to the planned c-sections that I had with both your brother and sister- going into labor naturally with you, was beautiful.

If only I could have delivered you the way that I wanted to.
Booo, complications.

...20 hours post water breaking, there you were.

And now, 5 years later, you're growing into your own wonderful person. I can't control you, even though I may want to. You speak your mind, even though sometimes I wish you wouldn't. But- at the end of every tantrum, and at the start of every day- you still come to me and pretend to push me away, when really all you want is for me to hold you close.

I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. No matter what happens in this life- no matter what path you wind up taking- Mariah Carey style- you will always be my baby.

Happy 5th birthday, pretty.

While I Was Reading About Food On A Stick

2011-08-16T20:01:00.004-05:00

Yesterday while I was sitting in an awkwardly quiet waiting room, for way more time than I should have been, reading the same issue of Parenting magazine over and over again, because I had already read all of the other issues on previous visits- I got the following text message:

Oh, my, gosh.

I smiled so big.

Look at my chubby cheek'd little man, concentrating so very hard on looking up at the chipmunk adventure playing on the tiny tv screen above him.

This is for sure my new favorite picture. In this case, Christopher's crappy construction site flip phone beats my fancy schmancy camera by a mile.

Making Carob Covered Raisins

2011-08-13T15:07:00.003-05:00

The kids are getting bored with snack time. And lunch time and dinner time, but- I decided that its time to start putting a little bit more of an effort into making food fun for them. Especially with Eleanore starting school in a few weeks- shes going to want something a little more exciting than a boring ol' banana in her lunch bag.

Yesterday I paused what I was doing, which was folding laundry and I was more than happy to walk away from it, and decided to amp it up a little bit.

You know why things are so boring around here? Because the kids haven't been cooking with us!

The kids used to always be in the kitchen with me, helping me bake cookies, or pouring noodles into a protected pot of hot boiling water. And now all we do is grate and chop and grate and chop and- the kids need to be more involved! ...Ah, I see now.

So lets make a mess then! Lets get sticky!

While the kids were getting into drawers and scream sing fighting with each other to a Carebears tune, I started chopping some dates, and plopped them into the food processor.

As soon as the kids saw that I was doing something with the food, they wanted to get involved.

And by involved, I mean- they wanted to see how many different ways they could wear the lid to the processor?

If you're wondering "Whats with the Sid Vicious face 4 pictures down?", well, let me correct you. Thats not a punk rock face, its an "I love kung fu" face.

Ya know that scene in Kung Fu Panda (Jen I need to give you your movie back, but the kids just keep watching it!) where teh panda says "I love kuuuung fuuuu" in slow motion? ...cause yeah.

And while Charlie was using a lid as a telescope, Eleanore was standing beside me, tucking her arms under armpits (thats her version of putting her hands on her hips), making up melodies about how much she loves dates, and how awesome of a helper she is.

Ok, yes yes you're awesome and dates are yummy, but- lets get to work, kiddos!

So Captain Charlie helped me poor in the raisins, and my little assistant Miss Elie scooped the carob.

And then it was time to mix!!!
This is the messy part. The fun part!

You'd think that they would have loved digging in and squishing it all around between their chubby little fingers, right? Well they did! ...at first.

As soon as they realized that it stuck to their skin, and didn't come off upon picking and licking, they lost all interest in making carob covered raisins with Mommy, and instead just wanted to go stand on the little blue plastic chair in the bathroom to scrub the sweetness down the sink drain.

What?! No! We're doing something fun!

And then I realized that they had done something fun. They had gotten out of their summer blues style funk, they had explored a new never-been-done-by-us-before activity hands on, and now they were done. Fair enough.

So I got them down, we washed our hands, and then Mama stepped in and finished the job that the sticky fearing munchkins had walked away from.

I finished separating and picking apart the little dried fruits, and then shook them around in a pasta strainer to get the excess carob dust off.

And while I was finishing up, a beautiful forest princess wandered into my enchanged kitchen to get a better look at the mock chocolate berries growing on my mixing bowl bushes.

Alright, so maybe they don't look quite as good as the typical chocolate covered raisins that most kids are used to, but- these are caffeine free, sugar free, gluten free, and cook-free, and- well they're kind of the perfect healthy snack for my little vegan babies.

Yum yum yum!

On the menu for Sunday morning? Raw cinnamon "donut" holes :)

Its Complicated: The American Teenager

2011-08-11T18:05:00.007-05:00

So about 10 years ago, my friends and I were walking down the street in the U district in Seattle, when a crazy lady in a loaded-with-junk car started shouting out her window at us.

"Are you teenagers?! Are you teenagers?!".

Um... yes?

Well that lady turned out to be a really talented photojournalist named Robin Bowman (I drool over her work), who was on a 5 year journey, crossing from one end of the country to the other, and maybe back again, putting together a beautiful book filled with some of the most amazing black and white portraits I've ever seen, with equally honest stories to go with them.

...long story short.

I finally bought the book. Its been on my wishlist for years, having never seen my page, but it wasn't until we found it used for a can't-pass-up price that we decided to go ahead and purchase it.

I have to admit though- out of all of the questions that she asked me, out of everything that her and I talked about- I'm horribly dissapointed with my quote that she published. I used the word "like" at least 20 times, my sentances were choppy and incomplete, but the worst part of it all was my lack of message. I feel like she took a stupid ramble from a bubblegum chewing mouth, caught between heartfelt and important conversation, and used that as the paint to decorate my wall.

Its not her fault. I'm the one that said it. Said silly things about wanting to be rich, so that people looked up to me ( ...surely my tone was full of sarcasm, right?!), said that I wanted to be a rockstar (whhhy, Tia, whhhy?), said that I was discriminated because I was fat (which I was- so that one is alright).

I wish I knew what else 18 year old Tia had to say. How did I answer the rest of Robin's questions?

I wish I could go back and give that Tia a pat on the back and let her know that she would soon find the happiness that she was so frantically searching for, and to just hang in there. I know my self esteem at the time was probably tucked away into a little handmade treasure chest, resting at the bottom of the pudget sound, so- hearing that I would truly be okay would have been nice. Hearing it and then believing it would have been even better.

But its still pretty cool that me, 9 years ago, is published forever in a book. And that I got photographed by such an amazing artist, who I've grown to admire.

Happy 1st Birthday, Evelyn June!!

2011-08-09T06:48:00.005-05:00

I'm too choked up for more than a few words, so I'll let the pictures do all the talking (but I promise written out feelings aren't too far to follow).

I thought and thought and thought about what kind of cake to do for baby Evelyn on her birthday. When the other two turned one, they had chocolate cupcakes. But now that our diet has changed- what would I make for Evelyn? How would I make her day as special as I made theirs?

Well after imagining elaborate fruit tower cakes that I knew she wouldn't eat, or mini cashew cheesecakes that I didn't want to give her because I think shes too young for nuts- it made more sense to just keep it simple. Thats what our diet, and our lifestyle, is all about. Simplicity.

And besides. Who says you have to have a cake to have a special day?

So instead of a cake smash, Miss Evelyn got an apple bash.

This is how a raw vegans rock the birthday.
It all starts with an apple...

Happy 1st Birthday baby!!

Enjoy your apples.

A Tour Of Our Kitchen

2011-08-08T13:27:00.008-05:00

The other day when we came home from our Wednesday trip to the commissary (we go twice a week), I couldn't stand the sight of the inside of the fridge- loose pieces of broccoli, smushed up grapes lingering towards the back, some kind of nuclear mold growing in the crisper- so I sprang into action right then and there, enlisting my husband as my assistant (because I'm sure thats how he wanted to spend his afternoon).

And once everything got put away back inside, set neatly onto the nice clean shelves, I thought to myself "hmm... maybe I should take a picture while it lasts".

So I did. I took a few, actually.

I've gotten more than one email recently, with questions about our diet. So let me take you on a tour of our kitchen?

...it looks kind of ...bare, right?

Its actually quite full, in that picture, seeing as how we just came from the store. This is what our fridge looks like when its packed. Don't mind the middle door shelf, we were holding some stuff for friends.

Lets take a closer look, shall we?

Grapes. We go through about 3 bags a week. We prefer the really large/crunchy ones, and they always have to be red (green simply will not do), but- Miss Eleanore can be such a picky pants if they're even the least bit soggy or sour. Not that I can really blame her.

Christopher's got some sauces there that he can't seem to shake. He goes back and forth between sauce-or-no-sauce.

We've got the coconut aminos to go with sushi, which we haven't eaten in probably 2 months. And even the last time we ate it, I couldn't stomach the aminos, so-

Hot sauces- I wish he'd just get rid of them already. They don't do him any good, other than making his nose run and giving him terrible gas. But he likes how they taste (because I'm not going to lie, our diet is a bit bland sometimes), so I don't give him a hard time. Until, that is, he starts complaining about how they make him feel, and suggesting that he should stop eating them- well then then I have no problems agreeing :)

Broccoli. We buy it by the case. Sometimes two cases a week. That case right there, was only $16. Not bad, right?! I wish there was a produce wholesaler around here, but- Oh well. The commissary has been really awesome about supplying us with the best deals in town.

Nut butters: Sometimes. We've got the unsweetened sunbutter to go on celery, or sometimes bananas, for the kids. The other nut butters are too thick to really spread, so they're just there for snacking. And then the tahini is mostly for raw cheese sauces and mock hummus.

And what would a vegans fridge be without some lettuce?! We get 3 or so heads of romaine a week. I ate almost a whole one myself last night.

The bottoms drawers are filled with nuts and seeds, carrots, and zucchini. We like to stay stocked up on almonds and cashews, sunflower and pumpkin seeds. And then zucchini and carrots are a given.

(unseen: scallions cilantro and parsley in the fridge, and a large assortment of bulk spices in the cabinet)

Lets back up and take a look at the counters now.

We don't eat bananas until they've started to spot. They're easier for the body to digest at that point. So sitting on our counter is an assortment of bananas from green to yellow. When I took this picture, we hadn't yet gotten our fresh case put away, so I just snapped a shot of the box resting on the floor.

Usually we pay about $18 per case, so- as you can see, we got ourselves quite the deal today!

They don't make coupons for produce- we're easily excited when they offer us sales.

Aaand last stop- the fruit corner.

We go through a case of navel oranges, and a case of apples- per week. We get one or two golden pineapple, a good sized sasquatch handful of mangoes, a decent mound of avocado, lemons and limes.

Oh, and our potatoes, too. We eat them once a week. Sometimes the rest of the family will eat them more than that, but- I hate peeling them, I hate steaming them, I hate how heavy they make me feel. But I love how they taste. (Self dicipline, people!)

I know it might look kind of weird. The people at the store sure have a lot of questions. And maybe some of you did too? Or, still do? Emails are welcome. I know its a bit extreme, but it works for us. Charlie gained 3 pounds in the last 3 months, and has recovered from all of his digestive problems.

Having a fridge stocked with grapes and tahini, helps us live our simple kind of life.

World Breastfeeding Week: Our Photos

2011-08-04T11:43:00.022-05:00

Its world breastfeeding week. I don't normally flaunt my breastfeeding, or even publicly display it really, but- breastfeeding is something that I've worked hard at. That a lot of mothers work hard at. And until you've held a baby to your breast while running up the rumbling stairs to save your sleeping children from what you thought was a tornado, I don't think its fair to say that you really understand what makes this bond so indescribably special.

Not to mention all of the health benefits that it provides both mother and baby, etc etc...

Sorry if I startled you, by exposing myself on your laptop screen, but- these are two of my very favorite pictures. And this ...is my cherished life :)

The Cat Snuggles Bean Bag Cats

2011-08-01T20:40:00.003-05:00

This was going to be a post focusing on the awesomeness of Evelyn finally starting to eat solid foods, but- as I pulled the pictures out of the folder, I felt like I was ignoring the brother and sister, so decided to make it a random post about randomness.

So to start: Evelyn eats solid food now!! Never have I been so excited for one of my kids to make a mess before. But seriously, a 1 year old who is still strictly breastfed, is a little ridiculous, right?

She paws at bits and pieces of steamed broccoli/zucchini/sweet potato/avocado/cauliflower, takes licks and bites of Daddy's apple, and tears into bananas as if she has to kill them first.

The downside ...the diapers.

Charlie is as cute as ever. Always. He can't turn it off, no matter how grouchy he gets. So much different than his big sister.

-He currently has a clogged ear tube.
-He sleeps with 12 Cars movie friends in his bed with him, 4 of those being various Lightnings.
-He sings Care Bear songs to himself every morning.
-His favorite thing to eat is broccoli and avocado.
-He eats his food with his fingers, no matter what it is- forks and spoons are for boring adults.
-He keeps growing growing growing growing. Hes gained a couple of super pudgy pounds since we changed our diet last spring. We thought he was chubby then.
-Hes replaced my name of "Mom", with "Sally" from Cars movie. Eleanore is Mater, Christopher is Mack, and Evelyn is the annoying baby sister who has an evil plan to take over the world, so she doesn't get to play.

Miss Eleanore. ...I don't even know where to begin, with Miss Eleanore.

We've starting to wake up at 6:00 every morning, to be ready for school in 3 weeks. Day one didn't go so well. Daddy switches from swings to days next week, and we can't wait! This morning we got to see the sun come up, and it was awesome. We can't wait to get outside and breathe fresh air in the morning time, before the sun stirs it and starts serving burnt oxygen.

She starts soccer either this week or next, she turns 5 years old in just a matter of days, and then kindergarten is quick to follow- there is so much going on, in Eleanore's world right now. Big things. HUGE things.

When I look at her, I feel like I'm looking at an almost-adult. Sometimes I really struggle with remembering her actual age- seeing as how she looks like shes 14. Shes so much smarter than I could have ever imagined she'd be. So advanced. And so different. ...I'm surprised I was able to get even that picture of her. These days shes especially camera shy. Not if you're holding the camera, but, if I am.

And the cat snuggles bean bag cats.

...Yep. So thats whats going on over here :)

From The Shade Of A Friends Fence

2011-07-31T10:55:00.002-05:00

Last night we went over to a friends house to let our kids run through their sprinkler. Our kids never want to run through our sprinkler, although after running through theirs Eleanore has requested that we pull ours out tonight, but if you take them over to somebody elses house to run and jump and play through their sprinkler- yeah well, theirs is always going to be wayy more fun, right?

So we filled our hungry bellies up with fresh fruits before we left the house, piled into our scorching hot bbq of a van, and headed down the street so that the babies could play in the water, while the mama's and papa's layed in the shade.

It was a little unfair, for Evelyn, who these days is determined to do everything that her older brother and sister do. Unfortunately, since she can't walk yet, and since she gets distracted by the delicious stomach puncturing dead grass along the way, we kind of had to hold her captive on the blanket with us.

But look at that smile. How bad can it be?

Charlie spent a lot of time going back and forth between the 3 sprinklers spigits, and his own-personal-but-really-just-borrowed man cave.

And when he wasn't hanging out in his no girls allowed play house, he was spying on the neighbors through the fence behind us, who were also outside playing in water, and by the smell of it, possibly grilling. ...aaaand they had a puppy, so- .

Eleanore is very particular when it comes to temperature and texture. The host (aka Jen) had made some bananas-dipped-in-honey freezer pops before we came, and Eleanore surprised us all by digging in. To get her to eat something like this at home would have been an awful battle of will not worth fightingfor. But here at her friends house, where she was distracted with summertime sunshine and squishy orange balls that soak up water, her mind was opened up to the possibility of eating something other than plain fruit. Something a little bit more fun. And that was pretty cool. Theres no other way to say it.

I'm going to take that as a step in the right direction for our fiesty four year old, be real when it comes to not expecting for it to happen again, tuck it away in my lint filled pocket, and hope to find it again on a rainy day. Or maybe even another sunny day.

Soon the bananas went mushy though, the sprinkler lost its thrill, and tiredness turned into whining turned into tantrums turned into ok-its-time-to-go-home. So we stood up, shook the sweat off of our foreheads, stripped off the wet clothes in the driveway, and went home for bowls filled with pineapple, plates of dates, a tv playing sesame street, and a story and then to bed.

An afternoon well documented.

Washin' Ye Old Car

2011-07-25T16:21:00.010-05:00

We've all been in a funk lately. Maybe its the 50 or more days in a row of temperatures over 100 degrees, keeping us locked up inside the house begging for attention from a cloudy cool day- or maybe its the lack of adventure, or the simple diet, or the fact that we know that we're leaving this base soon but can't control the clock or the calander... whatever it is, things over here have kinda been sucking.

So to try to snap ourselves out of it, last night when the sun was on its way to the lower part of the sky, we armed ourselves with the hose, and braved the roaring heat.

We went out to give the Night Fury a bath.

No silly, Evelyn isn't the Night Fury, I think her dragon name would probably be something more along the lines of snow fury, because look at that blinding white tooshie. ...or maybe that would be more of an Eskimo name? I should just start calling her Eskimo. Our van is the Night Fury.

We've had our van since last November, and haven't washed it once. Dad, if you're reading this, I know the look you're giving the screen. It was long overdue for a scrub.

So the Eskimo was sort of stuck in her igloo while everyone else got to go off and have fun. You'd think that splashing around in a half an inch of water would be fun, but- pfffft, think again.

I had to sit beside her and entertain her. The moment I stopped talking or splashing the water around with my fingertips (in an attempt to show her that it really wasn't so bad), she'd try to escape.

If the concrete wasn't so hot, and if she wasn't such a garbage mouth, I'd be more than happy to set her free and let her scrape up those beautiful pudgy knees of hers on the driveway, but- lets just play it safe in our plastic blow up pool for now, kay baby?

Charlie stripped down and geared up to do the washing.

And as soon as the sun went down behind the roof of the house at the end of Indiana street, we celebrated the shade with suds and rinsing water. We being them.

Hey wait a minute? ...whered the baby go?

Get the dang shoe out of your mouth! Would you stop it already?!

...she'll literally beaver tooth that pretty pink sandal down to be nothing more than a pile of fluffy rubber confetti, if we don't take it away.

But the best part of the night, was probably when Eleanore got her Daddy good, right smack dab in the face with the hose. Well, bouncing off of her hand, but- I have a feeling that she put quite a bit of thought into that one.

*high five Miss Eleanore*

And an hour or two later, when we were picking all of our soggy clothes off of the settling pavement, Christopher put his hat on my head, and said "you've been taking pictures this whole time, now its time for you to be in a picture", and away he clicked.

Its far from being my best, but 10 years from now I won't care. I'll just want to remember the hot summer night that we spent washing our wheeled dragon, while the eskimo kept trying to eat flip flops, and the kids took turn spraying Daddy in the face with hose water.

Now lets go find a dusty road to drive down, so that we can do it all over again.

Whats For Breakfast

2011-07-22T08:17:00.004-05:00

I know that a lot of people wonder what we eat, when I tell them that we're raw vegans. "So like... what do you have for breakfast then?", they usually ask. Nobody asks about lunch or dinner, which are actually our more complicated meals, and have been known to stress me out way more than they should (because seriously, what the heck am I going to send my child to school with?), they all want to know about breakfast.

We eat fruit.

Breakfast = fruit, always. No nuts, no grains, no fats, no veggies (unless we're stuffing some celery or kale into a green smoothie). Just fruits.

And then sometimes comes the "but where do you get your protein?" question, followed by "but aren't you still hungry?" question, and- lets just put an end to this right here and right now, even-though-I-know-I'm-still-totally-going-to-get-asked-and-thats-okay... we eat more than enough, and very often, to get filled up on all of the healthy goodness that we need. We eat a ton. Its all there. And whats not, we make up for in vitamins. Trust me? I know what I'm doing.

Lots, and lots, and lots- of fruit. Sometimes the kids eat it, sometimes they don't. Every morning I juice 10-14 navel oranges- Charlie drinks his in his rocket ship sippy, Elie drinks hers from a cup with straw- and then load up their plates of sliced fruit pieces.

Every morning differs, with the exception of bananas. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but- bananas are our biggest staple. They're like our bread. And dates are like our butter (we just ordered 20 pounds from a farm in california, and they are beautiful!).

Eleanore doesn't like mango or kiwi. And if she doesn't, then Charlie doesn't, even though he really does. So sometimes we have picked apart plates left with soggy messes of squarshed up colors. Sometimes the leftovers get tossed into the trash, but usually they end up in the vita mix, going whirly whirl right into a big jar of Christopher's mid morning snack.

And while its a struggle, sometimes, to eat the same things over and over again- its better than the way that we were eating before (remember biscuits and gravy? I do miss that). The kids are all happy, and healthy. And even if they weren't happy, because they're kids and sometimes they're just, not- they're healthy. And through being healthy, they'll find happiness anyways. At least I have.

Plus, look at Miss Elie up there. She looks like shes doing just fine :)

He Didn't Want Cake This Year?

2011-07-18T22:49:00.002-05:00

Christopher specifically requested a large banana split for his birthday. Topped with coconut.

Ask, my dear, and ye shall receive.

The ice cream was made from frozen bananas, blended in the vita mix in 3 separate batches. He wanted neapolitan. I made the strawberry by soaking dried strawberries for 20 minutes, and then blending with the frozen bananas. I split open 2 vanilla beans and added to the frozen B's for the white ice cream. And chocolate with a dash of agave added to frozen bananas for the chocolate. I topped it all off with a homemade raw vegan chocolate sauce (cocoa powder, agave, water), "caramel" date sauce, coconut sprinkles, and of course- what would a banana split be, without splits of banana?

...Happy 27th birthday Christopher!! Sucks that you had to work for 3 hours, but it was pretty awesome geeking out to the Fast and the Furious with you. The Night Fury could obviously take any of those cars.

Also, don't ever forget the really great text message that your Dad sent to you. Because I know how much it really meant to you.

By The Way

2011-07-17T21:44:00.003-05:00

Sooo... Eleanore rides a bike now.

Yep. That happened.

Santa brought her a bike for Christmas, but rather than being excited about the tassels dangling off of the handlebars, or the way cool princess helmet lying on the cement next to it- she was pissed that she didn't get an ATV like her brother.

Eleanore is a tomboy. And thats okay.

But sorry kid- you're not getting out of learning how to ride a bike.

So she huffed and she puffed. For days and days and days.

"Its tooo harrrrd!", she'd whine. The minute she had to use any amount of muscle to make the wheels start turning, immediate tantrums echoed off of each and every house on Indiana St, and there she'd sit, almost as if she were trying to move a mountain, refusing to go.

I admit, I walked away from it. I couldn't stand it. You don't want to learn how to ride a bike?? Fine.

But then one day Christopher, in all of his but-shes-my-baby-girl determination (really, their bond is day compared to mine and hers night), stood beside her for what seemed like a year, but was probably only about an hour, and he taught her.

Kind of like the time my dad taught me.
Even though I don't remember it.
Thats how I imagine maybe it was.
And for that I love that I was too mad to stand there, and that I had to walk away. They'll always have that all to themselves.

Anyways. That was a few months ago, that Eleanore learned how to pedal. And since shes starting school in a month, and we plan on riding to and from every single morning (since its summer year round here in the cactus patch), we have to practice.

Tonight after a delicious dinner of steamed greens (broccoli and zucchini) dipped in sweet potato hummus (mock, of course, since we don't do beans- zucchini as a replacement), we all went for a walk. We waited until it had cooled down enough for our skin to not drip off of our bodies (I can't even count how many days consecutive days of hundred degree temperatures we've had), and away we went.

See, look at her go!

She still can't quite do hills. Shes afraid to go down the down, and shes too lazy to push herself up the up, but all of the in between is a breeze. She speeds ahead and then has to stop and wait for the rest of the family to catch up. It sometimes takes forever when the 2 year old baby brother toddles along, picking up every stick and rock and dead rodent skull that I specifically shouted at him not to touch.

Also, kids, please stop finding every pile of wild animal crap possible. Please? K thanks.

Have I ever mentioned how flexible the baby is? We pulled over and parked in the shade of a big tree to let the kids play, and while the older two chased each other and played wizards, "zack"ing each other (ya know, like "zap!", only- they don't know what the heck they're saying?) Miss babykins grabbed onto her toes and aired out her diaper.

...really, honey?

I ask him to take a take a picture with me, and thats the face I get.

Oh well, it is his birthday tomorrow (27!). He can kind of do whatever the heck he wants.

And later on- Charlie layed on the ground and Daddy walked on.

Theres this area of housing where the kids absolutely have to balance on the bricks. They think they were built just for them, which they were, and drop everything to walk along them like circus elephants on tight ropes.

Eleanore couldn't do it this time, because she had her bike along, so- I'm sure you can imagine the epic meltdown that took place in the middle of Virgina St.

She got over it pretty quickly though, as soon as we came across a wish flower growing next to the sidewalk. She stopped pushing her bike (which at this point she refused to ride, and would only push because I had again walked away from it when she abandoned it in the street, and told her that another little girl could come along and take it if she didn't want it anymore), crouched down by her tire, and blew all of the fairies away into wish land.

You know what her wish was?

Well as we rounded the corner to Indiana St again, she shouts "Mom!!! My wish came true!!!"

Really? Did you wish for the neighbor to finally get his dog to stop barking? Becaaaauuuse-

"I wished that we'd be home soon, because I'm soooo tired and I don't want to ride my bike anymore *insert over dramatic heavy breathing and exhaustion here*, and I just want to go home and get in my bed, AND LOOK! WE'RE HOME!".

Awww. Yes Elie. Your wish flower fairies carried you all the way down the block, and home to our street. Now we can go into our house (after you push your bike up the driveway all by yourself like a big girl), get in your cool down bath, listen to your story, and cozy up with your Hello Kitty bedsheets and pillows, and go to sleep.

...because Eleanore, our baby girl who I swear was only 6 pounds and twelve ounces just yesterday, rides a bike now :)

An outtake

2011-07-11T21:27:00.002-05:00

In between the bad moments, are the good.

While fumbling the camera around down on the playmat- puffy eyes, messy hair, little sleep- to capture another one of the baby's many magical moments ...a boo boo picture turned into my new favorite.

I need to be in more pictures with my babies.

End of story.

Learning To Live With This

2011-07-08T15:47:00.007-05:00

So its not a hobby of mine, to go around getting in the face of misfortunate bugs or anything, but- I thought that this picture was kind of appropriate. This is sort of how I feel right now. Like a fly trapped in a water glass.

Even just sitting here with my laptop opened up on the scratched up dining room table, my fingers tapping on the dusty keys- things just feel different. They are different. This feels foreign.

A year ago, the day that Christopher put on his first set of Sergeant stripes, I was sitting on the couch in the living room, and I had what can only be described as a stroke. It wasn't an actual stroke, by the way, but- thats what it felt like. I went straight to the ER in an ambulance, keep in mind I was 33 weeks pregnant and thought my baby and I were about to die, and it was there that I was misdiagnosed with "Bell's Palsy". Now, I knew that was wrong from the moment the bored ER doctor let the words come out of his mouth- this case is no fun, this lady looks just fine to me, send me someone else to poke at- because it was so much more than just a bit of facial paralysis. But I was so traumatized from the event, that I didn't put up a fight, rolled with the punches, and went home soaked in sweat, and my own urine. (You can read about that here).

364 days later, about a week ago, I was standing in the kitchen peeling sweet potatoes- Charlie sitting on the counter to my left, Evelyn sitting in her high chair to my right, Eleanore dancing and singing (or maybe complaining of hunger) behind me. And I started to feel weird. A couple days before, I had kind of blacked out while driving. I tried to brush it off as no big deal, considering my never ending symptoms that I've been having ever since the big attack a year ago, but really- in the back of my mind I knew something was up.

So I'm in the kitchen peeling sweet potatoes, and I start to feel weird. I said to Eleanore "Elie get Mommy her phone, right now sweetie". She must have sensed the urgency in my voice (which normally doesn't mean crap to her), because she ran to fetch it faster than a dog runs to catch a frisbee. If only I could get her to do that all the time. I texted my husband that something strange had just happened. I had felt that awful tar-like feeling again, the same feeling that I had felt a year ago. Like somebody was slowly pouring a bucket of invisible thick dark goo over my head. I felt it creep over the left side of my face, followed by the rest of that half of my body. It had reversed pretty quickly, after only a few seconds, but I knew something wasn't right.

Christopher called me right away, he must not have been too busy at work if he was able to just stop what he was doing and call, but in between the time of my texting and his calling- Eleanore had somehow gotten herself stuck in the glue trap by the back door (seriously, child?), and I had to go peel her out of spider legs and beetle butts.

When everyone was rescued (except for the defeated bugs who had dared sneak in through the back door), I went back to making dinner, and returned Christopher's call. As I was trying to explain to him what I had previously been feeling, my brain paused. It skipped a beat. My words were taken from me mid sentence, followed by a long moment of silence, followed by my repeating the same thing that I had already said, not knowing why I said it or what I was going to say next. And then it happened again. My words cut off where they were cut off just a minute before, followed by a long pause of silence, and then ...I was frozen.

I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't... anything.

I was like a floating head.

I couldn't feel my body. I couldn't feel my brain. My soul. Nothing.

So I started fighting it. All that I was thinking was "I can't talk". Three words was all that my brain could pull together. Out of everything going on around me, and everything going on inside of me, those three words seemed to be the only thing that existed in the anywhere. I thought them over and over again, not understanding their meaning or why I was thinking them. But I fought so hard, to think that one thought, that eventually it came out of my mouth.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIII... ccaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn'ttt ...taaaaaalk".

It sounded horrific when it did, my voice was lowered and my words very slurred, but- I had said it.

I'm having a stroke, I thought, after hearing my voice. And even though I was starting to use my brain to think of something other than the 3 words "I can't talk", my mouth was still stuck on my previous statement. My mouth, which now had a mind of its own I guess, repeated it over and over again, still in slow motion, and still sounding like it was being said by someone else entirely.

Christopher must have been having a similar experience, because he shouted "I'm on my way, I'm on my way, I'm on my way".

Have you noticed how in the movie Speed, Sandra Bullock says half of her lines twice? Aaaanyways...

I started realizing what was happening around me again. My speech and movement were gone, I was still a floating head, but- at least this floating head could think!

And when I had the gift of thought back- I immediately remembered my babies.
I was surrounded by terrified babies.

Charlie still on the counter beside me, covering his eyes. What did I look like? Was it my voice that was scaring him? It was probably my sobbing. Wait- I was sobbing? Why? Oh right, because I was mad! I was mad, and I was scared. But more than being scared, I was mad. The moment I remembered my babies, but before I could turn my body to look at them, I got so angry at whoever it was or wasn't that poured this awful bucket of invisible tar on me, that I wanted to scream. But because my vocal chords had taken a vacation to an old folks home, the only thing that I was able to do, was cry. So I cried. And I cried a lot. And loudly.

Evelyn cried because I was crying. So then Charlie started crying.

But my strong girl Eleanore, who only fake cried to be a cool kid in the club, asked "Mommy are you okay? Whats happening?". What a little adult she is sometimes.

And so I continued to fight it. And I found that strength. And I turned my body to look at her, standing there clutching the door to the refrigerator with her white knuckled fingers, and I said "don't be afraid, sweetie". I said it! I had turned my body, and I had said it! It came out slurred, and in a voice other than my own, but- ...and of course she was still afraid. They all were. And so was I.

The tar started drying up though, and within the next minute, my speech had returned. I reassured them all that I was fine, even though I knew I wasn't, and then- "Distract them!", I thought. I instant Netflix'd The Land Before Time 398, they raced to the couch to watch it, and as soon as they were entranced in Little Foot, Sarah, and all of the "yep yep yep"'s that the tv could throw at them- I broke down.

What had just happened to me? No really. What the fuck had just happened to me?

Next thing I know, Christopher is coming towards me, picking me up and helping me walk into the kitchen, and then holding me tightly and whispering in a calm voice not to talk. ...I had lost my speech and movement again.

I cried into his shirt. I soaked it with my snot. And every time I'd try to say whatever thought that I wanted so badly to let out, he reminded me that it was just me and him, and I could say it later.

God, I love you Christopher.

It all lasted about 45 minutes. I was exhausted afterwards. And desperate. Not for any answers, or normalcy, but- for my husband not to leave me. As long as he was there, I could do it. And- please don't leave me alone with these babies again. Don't make them go through that again.

Later on that night, we realized that it had been exactly a year to the day, since my last attack, and joked around how maybe it was a yearly occurrence that we could prepare for and throw a party for. I was willing to hang up streamers even! But- the next morning our joking was stomped out with seriousness when it happened again. This time so badly that I was stuck lying flat on the couch with drool pouring out of my mouth, unable to even blink. Couldn't speak a word, couldn't think a thought... just, couldn't.

And it lasted for 7 hours. Seven, long, exhausting hours. I went in and out of my wide awake coma. We went to the ER, and in between attacks I tried to tell them that I was having a hemiplegic migraine, not that they even knew what that was, but I looked fine to them, so I could tell they really didn't give a crap. The check in nurse sent the nurse practitioner in to see me and to send me home, but my attack returned just in time for her to see me stroking out (thats what we call it now. Ya know, kinda like rocking out, only, stroke style and way awesomer?), so they gave me a room and said they'd need to do a cat scan (which they ended up not doing). 3 hours later they sent me home doped up on muscle relaxers and anti anxiety meds. Fine, I'll take it. By the time I left I was so worn out I don't think I even knew my own name. The things that happened in the next few hours I thought I had dreamt. Talking on the phone to my best friend, watching Harry Potter- I thought I was dreaming. And the kicker- the drugs didn't even work. They just made it so that I didn't care when I had my next attack. I didn't even know I had had one, until my husband told me.

And now I stroke out every day. Multiple times a day. It just, happens.

Its not as bad as that 7 hour spell where Chris was wiping the snot off of my face and telling me how to breathe since I had managed to completely forget how lungs work, but- everyday I feel the tar, and every day my brain goes dead.

Floating head. Stroking out. The tar. Lobster claws. ...our hemiplegic migraine slang. Lets review, shall we?

Floating head: when I can't feel my body.

Stroking out: when I lose my speech and sound like a drunk old man.

The tar: that awesome sensation of being hit over the head with a bucket of thick hot molasses.

Lobster claw: what my arms and hands do when they go paralyzed.

I'm not mad at you for calling me lobster claw anymore, honey. You're totally right.

I don't usually take self portraits, but I had been working on a diary of my C25k (which has since been canned as a sucky precautionary measure), and the day that I started really feeling good about my running, the day of the night that I had had my first attack in a year, I had quickly snapped a shot of me wiping away the fog from the bathroom mirror after my post workout shower.

I felt so good about myself that day. I had recently decided that I wasn't going to let my condition control my life. Or, the fear of my condition. The minor symptoms I could handle- face going numb, tingling in my body parts, dizzy spells and flashing lights, auditory hallucinations, intolerance to heat, inability to control my body temperature, etc etc. But even with all of that becoming my new normal, I was always kind of living in fear of another big attack. Maybe it was a once in a lifetime thing. Maybe I'd never have another one again? I had gone this long without having one, maybe I'd go forever.

I had been running for 2 weeks, when I got stuck with another attack. Just two weeks. Whhhy!

We've got so many things to figure out now, as a family. I have personal boulders I need to climb over, and we've got paths to explore as I conquer and fail my struggles.

So what if I stoke out at the grocery store and the cashier calls 911 because she thinks I'm dying. It might happen, and thats okay. I can't drive anymore, not off base at least. It would kind of suck to be a floating head in the car, right? I'm going to have to learn how to rely on other people. Its one of the most embarrassing things ever, to let anybody see me like that, but this is who I am and we all have to accept it. I have to prepare my kids. This is how you call 911, this is how you call the neighbor, this is what you say to anyone that tries to help me.

There are still so many beautiful things in this world. Like oranges, and snuggling on the couch with my babies, and Texas sunsets- I'm not going to let a little paralysis get me down.

I've seen several doctors in the last year. I think the count is up to 6? Nobody can help me. Nobody will help me. I've finally found a doctor who at least understands what it is, but unfortunately, he says that its over even his head (and hes a migraine specialist). Hes on the hunt for a new neurologist who can take on the case and hopefully treat me.

See. We're strong, us Hermans are.
Okay and kind of silly.
(can't let those pictures from the now non existent running diary to go to waste, even though I look totally crazy in that last one, haha).

We'll get through this. Even if I am moaning like a whale instead of speaking, and covering my husbands work shirt in snot while I cry through it.

Our Ho Hum 4th Of July

2011-07-04T21:34:00.004-05:00

I feel really guilty, that we didn't do anything extraordinary for the 4th of July this year. Its been eating away at me all day, actually. Last year Eleanore and I spent the whole day slaving away in the kitchen, baking the most beautiful bumbleberry American pie you've ever seen. We painted my belly in homemade red white and blue paints, and announced that our baby-to-be was a girl. We waved flags and wore festive shirts. Last year was awesome.

This year we didn't even do so much as a single holiday craft.

Where have I gone?

I know I have a really good excuse. I hate my excuse though. I don't want to acknowledge it. Maybe acceptance is coming?

We were going to go to a fireworks show tonight down by the zoo, we had been talking about it for the past couple of days. But as time wore on, and we saw the exhaustion in the babies eyes (and attitudes), we had to go back on our word and make the choice to be the most awful parents that ever were, and keep the kids home. After last nights failed attempt at watching Transformers 3 at the drive in, going out on another late night adventure just didn't seem worth it. We knew it would end in tantrums and discipline before the fun ever had a chance to get started.

Earlier today, I had offered a gal here on base some of our fireworks, since you can't buy them around town (because of the burn ban), and she had been wanting to get some sparklers to do with her son. Upon going through our stash, we decided that maybe we'd like to do some too? Ignore the illegal firework trafficking and usage, please.

So thats what we did instead.

No big fireworks show.
No cutesy arts and crafts.

Just a walk around the block after dinner (which was pie, by the way- raw and vegan and grain free and all that good stuff), and then some sparklers in a jar on the back patio.

Charlie was so curious. Colorful ribbon sticks in glass jars?! ...sign him up!

Well I'll tell you whats better, son... You can set them on fire!!

This has to be my new favorite picture. Its usually so hard for me to capture Charlie's happiness in a still shot, but this time I think I nailed it. He couldn't have been more pleased by our dinky backyard spectacular.

Eleanore on the other hand, huddled herself away from the oh-so-scary-flames in the opposite direction, safe on her yard waste paper bag island. I can totally relate though, Missy, Mama's terrified of them too.

So I guess while this year could have been better, it could have been worse too, right? And if nothing else, it opened my eyes to how I need to make even more of an effort, no matter what my excuse says.

The Drive In Theater

2011-06-27T12:30:00.003-05:00

I have very clear memories from when I was a kid, maybe 3 or 4, of sitting in the back of my parents little brown Hyundai, surrounded by blankets and stuffed animals, dipping my McDonalds chicken nuggets into little plastic squares of bbq sauce, playing with fraggle rock happy meal treasures, and then falling asleep to the sound of whatever movie was playing on the screen behind me.

One time there was a horror movie playing on one of the other screens, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to be watching it, but- because I was facing backwards (they layed the seats down), and not watching whatever it was that my parents were watching, the only thing to look at was Freddy chasing some girl through the fog, and- yeah I had nightmares forever.

But then we moved away from California, and sadly there were no drive in movie theaters when we got to our new home in Washington. Wait, no- there was one, but it closed down shortly after we moved there. Sad stuff, right? But hey, at least I still had those memories of my happy meal days, hanging out in the back of my parents car.

Can you guess what we did this weekend?!

Abilene has a drive in! We've known about it for years, but the thought of taking the whole family always seemed so overwhelming. Especially when we had our old car, because- that thing was a sardine can. And then we finally got a van (and thank God for that). And then we crashed the van. And then we got another van! But then- theres never really anything that we want to see, playing at the drive in. And if there is, its usually the 2nd of two features, and we don't want to sit through the crappy first one to get to the good second one, so... yeah we just never went.

Then I found out they were playing Cars 2 (the kids will freak), and Pirates 4 (we'll freak), and... what are we waiting for?! Load em up, lets go lets go lets go!

The best part was, that we didn't tell the kids where we were going, until we were waiting in line for our tickets. We told them all day long, that we were going to do something super duper fun, but kept our mouths shut as to what it was.

And that was partially because Christopher was on call for work, and we weren't entirely sure that it would happen. In case he would have had to go in, our super duper fun place, would have been the boring ol' park.

But we finally got to go! And we were there! And it was awesome!

Evelyn loves being outside, so she was perfectly happy sitting in Daddy's lap (in the beginning). Towards the end, all she wanted to do was nurse. And even though she was exhausted, having skipped her afternoon nap, we were in an unfamiliar place, and all she wanted to do was look around and take it all in. Even long after the sun had gone down, and the only thing giving us light was the movie screen and the stars.

I saw a shooting star, I saw a shooting star! Its been years.

The kids chased each other around in the open space in front of our car. Did I forget to mention that this was their first time going to see any move, ever? They were extremely excited, but also- exhausted. The movie didn't start until right around their bedtime, so by the time the previews started playing, both kids were flopping around and begging for beds and binkys.

Some friends of ours had met up with us there, and parked in the big empty space that the kids were previously running in (watching them get in to that parking spot was probably more fun than the movie itself), so we went and sat with them. Elie sat in the back of their SUV, Charlie sat in Christopher's lap, and Evelyn sat in mine (we were in chairs). Occasionally I'd have to get up and walk the baby around, when she started getting loud, but for the most part everyone was happy where they were.

Eleanore fell out of the car. Yep, just... fell out. I felt something hit the back of my head, turned around and didn't see anything, and then a minute later I heard her moan from the ground. There she was, knees all scraped up, just lying in the gravel. Get up, you're missing the movie, clumsy!

Mater was there!

Oh, yep. And me too.

...By the time Cars was over though, we had had enough. We packed up the kids (losing a cell phone and a Lightning along the way ...but we found them), and headed out. There was drama with seatbelts, and tantrums over pineapple, but- the parents took one for the team, we sacrificed watching Pirates for the sake of the babies getting into their comfy cozy beds (and shutting the heck up, haha), and we went home.

So there. We can check "go to the drive in" off of our things-to-do-before-we-leave-Abilene list.

43.~~go to the drive in~~.
See? Done.

Next time we go, we'll just need to make sure and bring the kids entire bedsets. It was too fun not to go again.

The New Flashback Friday Host...

2011-06-23T23:12:00.009-05:00

So if you missed last weeks flashback, then you might want to go read it? But to save you the trouble and make a long story short- I've tossed in the flashbacking towel.

Note: I've quit flashbacks, not blogging.

Don't worry though, I've found somebody really awesome to take over. And to help y'all ease from fridays at my blog, to hers, shes put together a little vlog for ya...

Aww, Lauren. I'm so glad that you accepted my offer to take over as host. You're perfect for the job. The flashback queen. ...And how cute of you to make a video for everyone! You're adorable.

Alright friends, I've got floors to steam mop and tv shows on Netflix to watch. Grab your links and wander over and visit the new host of Flashback Friday (that was a link, in case you missed it). I'll miss you!

So don't be strangers?

Evelyn June, 10 Months Old

2011-06-22T15:43:00.003-05:00

I've been trying to write this post for days, going on weeks now. Evelyn I just have such a hard time letting go of your maybe not being so much of a baby anymore. When did it happen? Where have I been?

I wanted to have all of your pictures set up just perfectly, edited to be brighter and bring out the sparkle in your eyes, but- every time I try to gather them all in one place, something gets in the way, and now I realize I can't put this off any longer.

Between 9 and 10 months, you've practically grown up. You've gone from being the quiet observing little sister, to being the sassy red head in charge. You're going to give your sister a run for her money, aren't you?

You crawl now! Well, if you can call it that. Its more of a wiggle/scoot, but- you get around to where you're trying to go. You can get from one end of the house to the other in the same amount of time that it takes for me to pour a glass of water. And you have no problems testing and proving that over and over again.

You're a garbage mouth, you dirty little thing! Anything and everything, straight into your mouth. You've been that way since you were born, wanting to explore plastics and papers with your gums, as most babies do, but you're taking it to another level, Missy. You know what I pulled out of your mouth the other day? A stake sharp enough to kill a vampire. You had somehow gotten part of the wicker shoe basket by the front door (which has since been moved, ya little stinker), and who knows how long you had been stowing it away in your chipmunk cheeks. You even successfully nursed on one breast, without my feeling a thing. It wasn't until I switched sides, that I noticed something poking out from between your lips. I reached in, and pulled out a sharp-sharp-sharp little thing, that would have surely had you in a helicopter on your way to having an emergency surgery somewhere, and- Evelyn could ya just stop? Pieces of mulch, entire pages of books, potato skins, bobby pins that I'm pretty sure you must have gone to the grocery store and bought yourself- just stop already! I love you but you're making me crazy.

You have a voice. A beautiful, chatty, sometimes screamy and aggravated, voice. You shout, you laugh, and "Mamamamamamamamama" is repeated at least 100 billion times a day, but almost never directed at me.

You've got claws. Part of you being who you are, is that you won't let me near you with a pair of fingernail clippers. You won't let your hands be held still. You can't stand being restrained, you'll fight it with the strength of Sasquatch (which you obviously get from your Daddy). No spoons anywhere near your face, you'll put your binky in your mouth on your own terms thank-you-very-much, and God be with us if we try to take something away from you. ...You take those untrimmed and almost always jagged fingernails, and you get us. You usually go for the lips on me, and the throat on Daddy (probably because hes taller). You're a wild animal, Miss thang. The boys better watch out for you. They'll never know what hit 'em.

You eat now! ...sort of. I tricked you into eating a whole big piece of banana the other day, by putting it into one of those mesh teether things. You love to chew on fabric, so you dug in. Hah hah, baby, Mommy wins! But no really, you've been making progress with your solids. You have to finger feed it to yourself of course, nothing pureed and nothing in a bowl. We steam a veggie or chop up fruit, and place it on your tray, and let you feed yourself. Sweet potatoes seem to be your favorite. Avocado ...you're unsure of. Banana- if I catch you on a good day. You're still very much dependant on the breast, and while I love you and I love our special bond- its time to eat a dang carrot!

You don't cry at other people as much as you had been doing. You used to break into tears at the sight of anyone other than Mommy or Daddy. Or sometimes even Daddy. I think you're more interested in exploring the world, than you maybe previously were. Good for you, little one. A pat on the back (and followed by a burp) for you.

You've started fighting your naps. Sleeping, and especially sleeping with your mouth on a nipple other than Mom's, and in a bed not shaped like my cradling arms, is all too awful for you. You cry and cry and cry and cry. Besides, theres way too much to stay up and do. Sleeping is for babies! Which you're clearly not.

But you just look so dang cute while you're doing it. Even if you are covered in sweat and sticky bananas and dirt. Plus, its easier for me to take pictures of you when you're not trying to swat at my lens.

Slow down, these next couple of months, okay? No walking, no talking. Just... be a baby for a few more days.

Fathers Day 2011

2011-06-19T21:58:00.002-05:00

Its hard to pick just one picture, to accurately describe how great our Fathers Day was.

I decided to go with this one, because ...between the almost-5-year-old putting on the most ridiculous before bedtime underwear fashion show ever, the 2 year old turning his bedding into his own personal parachute and playing peek a boo with his best friend toy cars- this is one of the last pictures that I took. This is the one that slowed my heartbeat, erased my headache, and reminded me to whisper a quick thank you to God, for blessing our family in all of the ways that he has.

Now honey- go get your 5th bowl of your guacamole potato broccoli thing. Endless avocado.

Flashback Friday: The Final Flashback

2011-06-17T11:00:00.002-05:00

Edit: I'm going to put this way up here at the top of the page, since I've gotten multiple emails on the subject. No, I'm not quitting blogging. Just flashbacks :) Alright then, on we go...

Over the past few months I've had an ongoing battle with myself, about whats best for me and family. I've been trying to eliminate the things that stress me out. One by one, various things have been dismissed. Things both online, and off. Its like I walk around holding an invisible computer mouse, and if I come across something that I realize has been causing more stress than its worth, I click on it, and drag it to the recycling bin. It really is that simple.

As much as I hate to admit it, one of the things that causes my stomach to tighten and my breath to hold itself in frustration, is this blog. Because I just don't have time for it. And its not just "the blog", because anyone who has one knows that its a whole hard-to-wrap package that you have to deal with, its being online in general. I wrote before, about wanting to get back to a simpler kind of life, and somehow I drifted away from that. I always drift away from my goals. Why? Because I get distracted. Its hard not to, when distractions are endlessly swirling around you, and so much easier to reach and out and lean on, rather than using your own tired balance and standing your ground.

So come Monday night, when normally I'd sit down to blog- I just, didn't.

And then on Tuesday night, when normally if I had missed Monday, I'd really rush to get a post finished- I just, didn't.

And then on Wednesday night, when all of the chores were done, and the kids were tucked in, I thought "hmm, I've got an extra few minutes, maybe I'll blog tonight". ...and it was pleasant. I took more time finding my words, I wrote in deeper detail about the experience- it was what I've been missing.

And so came the decision- to give up Flashback Friday.

I've been doing this here weekly get together for years now. Boy that felt weird to write. I had lost my passion for it some time ago, but kept on keepin' on, because I knew that so many other people liked to play along, and I liked reading their memories. Your memories.

Some of you have been doing this for just as long as I have, every week, for years.
Lauren has been a total Flashback rockstar. If there was an award to give, she'd be the ultimate winner. I feel like I grew up with her, because of how many of her memories I've been invited to read. Lauren, seriously- you're the Flashback queen. So while I've got your attention, Miss Lauren, are you at all interested in taking over the weekly duty of being host? Okay so maybe I should have shot you an email ahead of time, but- it just dawned on me as I was writing this, that maybe your passion for my Flashback baby is as strong as mine? If not, and please don't feel obligated to say yes, then I'd like to extend the offer to anyone else thats up for the job.

Flashback Fridays is like my flour baby. Remember, carrying around a sack of flour and pretending that its your baby? Okay, I never actually did that, I think I read about it in a book when I was a kid, but- you get the point. I want to pass this along to somebody whos not only going to post the pictures, but also write out the memories to go along with it. Someone who can keep up with it every week- writing it as though they're re living it, setting it up on time, reading the posts of others. All of it. If Miss Lauren happens to say no, then I'll still need a Godmother for my Flashback flour baby. If you think you might be interested in being a new Mama to a meme cookie (get it, flour, cookie... I'm running outta creative juice here), then please send me an email.

So this is it folks. My Final Flashback. Hold on, we're turning this into a musical...

...yep, thats how it is in this house. Every day. All day long.
Ignore my post workout attire. I got my sweaty early morning sunshine walk on earlier.

I asked Christopher what he thought I should write about as my grand finale, and he said I should just flashback to previous flashbacks. "Well that dumb", I said as my response. But ummm... yeah here I am, a couple days later, without a big bang to go out with, using my husbands dumb idea.

I've done 91 flashbacks. ...yeah. That many.

Well there was this one, where you can clearly see that Christopher and I were made for each other. This is a great post, with a beautiful black and white mirror shot of Eleanore as a baby. Our first Thanksgiving- that one just had me say "I love you honey", to Christopher, after reading it. Me as a little league ladybug, you gotta love that. This old one of me in Portland. I barely recognize that girl. Oh! And who can forget Pittin' Out With Travis Barker? Because I remember being so mortified when I posted that. Might as well re live the embarrassment one more time, right? And because its Fathers Day this next weekend, a couple of Flashbacks about my Dad. This one. And this one. And then the one that started it all, my very first flashback.

Thanks everyone, whos stopped by to read them, link up and play along, or ever sent me a comment in an email about a particular post- its been fun. I hope that my Friday only readers will stick around to read about our present day adventures, but if not, thats okay too. Next Friday I'll post the link to the new hosts blog, if somebody steps up to the plate.

And now I'll post the rules, for the last time *sniffle* (because its bittersweet)-

***************************
So heres what we do. Every week we dig through our memories- old cell phone pictures, polaroids from 1986, something that you pulled out of a dirty shoe box- and we flashback to it. We show it off, and we write about it. We take ourselves back to that place, with as little or as much detail as our hearts are willing to share. Scan it, upload it, copy and paste it from your livejournal (remember those?)- display your memories in whatever way works for you. And then grab out button way down at the bottom of the page there (or link back old fashioned text style), add it to your flashback, add your link to our flashback, and if you've got an extra minute- maybe browse around and read some of the flashbacks left by others. Its just for fun. And really- memories are too precious to be left in an old dirty shoe box.

This is a comment-free blog.

Raw Vegan Sushi Night

2011-06-15T21:33:00.003-05:00

Its been awhile since I've sat down with my computer on my lap like this. It seems to be a lot more relaxing when it doesn't happen quite as often.

Something that takes up a lot of time in our lives right now, is food. I mean, obviously food is something thats a huge part of everyones lives, no matter who you are, or what you're doing, but- as we transition into this new lifestyle (raw vegan eating), we're learning. Learning about our bodies, learning about the foods that we eat, learning about our will power and sometimes lack thereof.

To make things a little bit more fun, and to help us feel a little more "normal", we like to have a high fat night. Usually we eat low fat raw vegan foods, but because the babies need more fat than the Mama's and Papa's, and because sometimes we're just bored with the simple things that have been placed upon our palates throughout the week, we just need to shake it up.

So on Saturdays or Sundays, a night when Christopher is home to help wrangle up the kids and keep them from latching onto my legs and trying to climb me like a tree, I like to make a big luscious meal to fill our bellies up with a hearty dose of uncooked lovin'.

Something that we've had twice now, but probably won't have again for another decade or more, is sushi.

That right there, is a teeny tiny mini little sushi roll, the perfect size for a hungry little 2 year old mouth. Kinda cute, right?

More like, a pain in the ass.

I'm no expert on sushi rolling, I've made it maybe 4 times in my life. I don't have sharp knives, I don't have one of those novelty sushi mats (although I totally want one), I have no idea what I'm doing. But- I do know that normal rolls are too big for my kids mouths, and cutting them in half is messier than its worth.

So I cut the nori (seaweed papers) sheets in half, and tried my best to make something that would be considered edible.

Success!

Although, Charlie didn't quite understand my efforts, and started taking the rolls apart- which I quickly put a stop to, then handing them to his sister and making him a "sushi bowl" instead.

Seriously kid, if you had any idea how hard I worked on those bite sized pieces of perfection-

His digging into it faster than I could spoon it into his bowl was thanks enough. I could see that he loved it, which made all of the chopping and grating and blending more than worth it.

Besides, I did this for fun. Not because I had to. Not because anybody was requesting it. But just because I wanted to feel like a normal lady, "cooking" something fancy in her kitchen. It was relaxing, even.

Well, it was relaxing until the very end of my adventure at least, when Miss Picky Pants Eleanore refused to eat any sushi bite that wasn't perfectly rolled, swearing that the messy ones tasted worse than the pretty ones. Ummm...

Ok, sweet dreams and goodnight to you then! More for me!

It was, so good. A nice thick layer of our "seafood pate" (almonds, scallions, lemon juice, dulce, seaweed, and carrots), topped with cauliflower "rice" (steamed just so), grated zuchinii, and grated carrot. All dipped into a shallow bowl of sweet coconut aminos- ah, heaven!

A more perfect sushi roll has never existed.

Okay maybe one with sprouts and avocado, but- we aim for proper food combining, and avocado and nuts together bring bad tummy juju. And sprouts from the store hold too big a risk of harboring yucky bacteria (yes, I'm one of those paranoid freaks).

If you feel like you need to slave away in the kitchen for 3 hours on a Saturday night making the ultimate fake seafood and veggie feast for your family or friends- you might want to try this recipe (thats where we got our pate recipe).

But hey, maybe make sure your kid understands the concept of "bites" though, before bending over backwards to make them their toddler friendly and super cool mini rolls?

And it sure was nice to sit down with my family at the table, to eat an overflowing plate of my ocean scented hard work.